Free Growing Pains of a Hapless Househusband by Sam Holden Page B

took a 'why do I have to explain this to you
again?' breath.
    'You know when you take notes of a conversation?' he
began. 'Well, you don't write down all the ums and ahs
and whatnot. You clean it up, in many ways, make the
speaker appear more eloquent. You're doing them a
favour. And that's all we do, except in a televisual way.
Sometimes we'll ask people to say things again because
we didn't capture it first time round, or they said it with
too much swearing . . .'
    'Or not enough!' interjected Dave.
    'Dig,' said Dom somewhat greasily in imitation,
although when he tried to click his fingers in the same
way he merely succeeded in hurting his wrist, because
he let out a slight wince.
    'Anyway,' he continued. 'Sometimes we find people
who are good for the programme, but we just find that
they lack a certain something. So we get in others to
recreate real events and conversations.'
    'You mean you get in actors?' I asked. 'I know you
said you made things up, but I didn't think things had
got this bad.'
    'It's accepted practice,' said Dom, looking at Dave.
    'Dig,' he went. 'And we don't call it "making things
up". We call it "reality enhancement". Anyway, we only
use it as a plan B, and I'm sure we won't have any need
for it. We're spending a lot of money making these
reality programmes, and it'd be idiotic to rely on reality
when we can manufacture reality so much better
ourselves. Dig?'
    'Dig,' I said, somewhat flabbergasted.
    On the way back home, I wondered what I was getting
myself into. Despite my moaning about how long it was
taking, it occurred to me that less than two months ago
the whole thing had been a dinner-party joke, and
already it was becoming a reality, or at least a reality of
sorts. And, although I wasn't expecting to be in control
of the whole thing, it was clear that Dom and Dave saw
me as just another stooge. I'm curiously down about the
whole thing. The truth about TV is that there is no
truth. These are thoughts I won't be sharing with Sally.
    Emily said the children had been very well behaved
(wow) and that they had all got along together. Her
twins had entertained Daisy, and had organised some
teddy bears' picnic for her, which Daisy loved. While
she was telling me all this, Emily detected that I looked
a little pensive, and it annoyed me when I reflected that
she seemed far more sensitive than my wife to my
moods.
    Thursday 21 February
    Spent the whole of today trying to find a nanny. Sally
said last night that finding a nanny would have to be my
department as she a) didn't have the time and b) wasn't
in agreement with it anyway. So much for marriage
being about compromise.
    Ideally, I'd just like to get an au pair, but according to
the schedule that Dom has already sent me, my
timetable is going to be packed. We have to have the
pilot ready at the end of next month, and Dom tells me
that I shall be needed full-time from 1st March onwards.
As au pairs aren't really allowed to work full-time, we
have to have a nanny, which is a pain, and an expensive
one at that. Any money I make will go straight into the
nanny's pockets. I hate the poor woman already.
    Friday 22 February
    This nanny business is getting me down. Today I was
told I could have an 'au pair plus', which at first I
thought simply meant a fat au pair, but apparently they
are au pairs who do more than 5 hours per day –
around 7 hours. But I need an au pair who does at least
10 hours, and those sorts of au pairs are called nannies.
There's no way round it.
    11 p.m.
    Oh yes there is. Just had a brainwave while Sally is in the
bath. I shall hire TWO au pairs. It's a genius idea. The
first one can do the morning shift, and the second one
can do the afternoon. I've worked it all out, and
between them, they'll have enough hours to cover the
whole day. They'll have to share a bedroom, but I'm
sure that will be fine.
    I am almost rubbing my hands with glee. I'm sure
Sally will see the logic in it.
    Saturday 23rd February
    Turns out she didn't.
    'We