Free Growing Pains of a Hapless Househusband by Sam Holden

life as
a freelance management consultant or a TV star.
    Nevertheless, a nice weekend, and both Sally and I
behaved ourselves. No arguments. No mention of WonderHubby /Emily/Work/Money/Jobs, all of which
are topics that bring us both out in a row. Even the
children behaved, sort of, although there was one hair-raising
moment, when Peter thought it would be
terribly good fun if he pushed his sister in her buggy
into the river. I just managed to save her before she
joined the ducks, although not without stepping in an
enormous dog shit.
    Sally and I were livid with Peter, and I came near to
smacking him. I've smacked him before, and have
always regretted it, because I had done it in anger – but
then he had run into the road despite me yelling at him
not to. However, I vowed never to do it again, and today
was emphatically not going to be the day in which he
felt a sharp thwack to his derrière, but instead we
withdrew his normal Sunday night 'treat' TV watching.
(Sally thinks Peter and Daisy only watch TV at the
weekends, a secret the children are miraculously
keeping to themselves.) The removal of privilege
engendered an enormous tantrum, which nearly did
earn him a smack.
    While he was at full pelt, Sally asked me, 'What would
WonderHubby do in this situation?'
    At least she was smiling about it. The truth was, I had
no reply. There is nothing in the tenets of management
consultancy that tells you how to deal with a client who
is not allowed to watch TV. If WonderHubby ever
happens, God knows how I'm going to wing it.
    Tuesday 19 February
    5 p.m.
    Oh my God. I'm going to have to wing it. WonderHubby is happening! Well, a pilot is happening, at least. Dom
has just this minute phoned me. He said that the TV
station went mad for the idea, and said they loved the
way it tied up all the elements of business (which is now
sexy, he says) and childcare (which needs a televisual
revamp apparently).
    'It's incredible,' I said, 'that they've gone for it
without even seeing me.'
    'Well, I showed them some video of you.'
    'What video?'
    'Your spiel in our conference room the other day.'
    'You were filming that?'
    'Yes – didn't we tell you?'
    'No!'
    'Sorry about that,' said Dom, sounding as apologetic
as Peter does when he's done something bad (i.e.
utterly remorseless).
    I was tempted to chew his ear off, but then thought
better of it.
    'What did they like about it?'
    'I think they liked the way that it was so boring that it
was funny.'
    'Thanks.' I laughed a little, assuming this was some
kind of joke. Dom's tone suggested that it might not
have been.
    'Don't worry,' said Dom. 'The fact is they love you
and they love the programme. However, there are a
couple of glitches.'
    'Oh yes?'
    'They want the pilot ready in a month.'
    'That sounds like a long time.'
    'Sam – you've much to learn. A month is fuck all. A
nanosecond.'
    'Oh. And what's the other glitch?'
    'They've given us sod-all money, so I'm afraid we
can't give you that much.'
    'Oh.'
    'Just a couple of grand I'm afraid.'
    'Oh.'
    'I know. But it doesn't matter, because when the
series is commissioned, then the money will be decent,
don't you worry. See it as an investment.'
    'Oh.'
    'Anyway, we'd better start as soon as we can. Can
you come in tomorrow for a brainstorming at the
channel? The commissioning editor really wants to
meet you.'
    'Sure!'
    I'm thrilled, basically. Fucking thrilled. OK, so the
money is rubbish, but I believe Dom when he says it's
going to get better. Now all I have to do is to give Sally
the hard sell. Oh joy.
    11 p.m.
    Sally is in the bath, and I'm sitting at my desk and
there's a very bad odour in the air. I've told her about
the pilot, and her first reaction was 'Oh God'. Her
second reaction was to pour a glass of wine, and her
third was to drain half of it in one gulp. (I know I joke
that Sally is turning into a dipso, but I'm slightly worried
about it.)
    'I can't believe this is actually happening,' she
said.
    I tried to play everything down.
    'It's