Free The Great Psychedelic Armadillo Picnic by Kinky Friedman

the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service named the Barton Springs salamander an endangered species, causing the lungless, red-gilled creature to become the center of a political controversy that divided the city. The controversy is far too complicated to nutshell in a few paragraphs without leaving something out, but the gist of it is that the endangered salamander, found only in Barton Springs, requires certain environmental protections that some say affect the quality of water in the Barton Springs Pool. Because the pool cannot be cleaned as often as it used to be cleaned, thick clouds of blue-green algae known as oscillatoria have overrun the waters like Gentiles on a ham sandwich. My friend Turk Pipkin, the co-editor of a 1993 book (I highly recommend) titled
Barton
Springs Eternal: The Soul of a City,
expressed to the
Austin
Chronicle
his dismay at the condition of the pool. “I don’t think the water in the pool is as clean as it used to be,” said Pipkin. “Also, men follow me with erections and pull on my ponytail. I used to feel it was a soul-cleansing experience. I don’t have that feeling anymore.”
    Visitors can judge for themselves, but keep in mind that the Barton Springs Pool is one of Austin’s famous landmarks and easily the most popular swimming hole in the city.
    After splashing down at Barton Springs, you can take a long walk around the greenbelt. There is always a soccer game going on across the street at Zilker Park, and if that’s not to your fancy, you can spend hours walking through the Zilker Botanical Gardens, which includes the Taniguchi Oriental Garden and the Austin Area Garden Center. The thirty-one-acre Botanical Gardens are located at 2220 Barton Springs Road, and are free to the public. In season, the butterflies are plentiful and the air hangs thick with many natural fragrances, one of which emanates from my free-range cigars.
    On the other side of the Barton Springs Pool fence line is what I like to call “Dog Heaven.” Here, dogs are able to run and swim freely, splash around with their ostensibly human companions, and enjoy the cold water on a hot day. If you go there enough, you’ll recognize the regulars, like a carefree boxer named Waylon and a rather strange three-headed dog named Cerberus.
    Near Dog Heaven is a kayak-and-canoe-rental shack. Get one of either and paddle out toward Town Lake; this is the best way to see this part of Austin. Of
course
I haven’t done it yet.
    Town Lake was created by the damming of the Colorado River on the west by Tom Miller Dam and on the east by Longhorn Dam. Its banks are festooned with trails that meander for miles throughout the city of Austin. People can run and bike for free on these trials, which is why I never go there (I have a fear of Lycra and windshorts). Canoe rentals are available at businesses along some parts of the trail, and the lake is especially popular with crew teams.
    The Congress Avenue Bridge is in downtown Austin, just ten blocks south of the State Capitol building. The bridge spans Town Lake at the cross streets of Cesar Chavez to the north and Barton Springs Road on the south. I have exactly one fond memory of the bridge, also called the Congress Avenue Bat Bridge.
    Keep in mind that fond memories are not my strong suit; anyone who knows me knows better than to reminisce about any experience, fuzzy or otherwise, we have shared in the past. Unfortunately, people insist upon reminiscing, so to better fit into society and get people the fuck off my back, I pay my friend and former Texas Jewboy road manager Dylan Ferrero to be my font of fond memories.
    Dylan is ready to deploy anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice, should someone want to reminisce fondly about anything we may have done or shared in the past. Dylan is good at his job, too. He can recall with clinical detail the time, place, and weather conditions of any fond memory I am supposed to have had, even though he may