Free Off the Cuff by Carson Kressley Page B

wick away moisture. And they’ll do the same for you, tiger.
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    When you take care of your wool sweaters, remember the wool was once a living thing. So when you’re storing it, it needs room to breathe. It can’t be suffocated or overheated, and needs to be cared for properly. It’s kind of like your hair, which is essentially dead on the top of your head, but it’s still an organic material. Of course, some of us have hair that is more dead than others’. And you know who you are.
Cotton
    Cotton sweaters are great, especially for those gentle readers who live in warmer states like Texas, California, and Florida. They’re a good alternative because they provide warmth but are not super, super warm like cashmere or wool.
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    The care and laundering of cotton sweaters can be a bit tricky. Because they’re cotton, they have a lot of flex to the fiber and can stretch out very easily. Much like your mother’s breasts, gravity is not your cotton sweaters’ friend. Before you know it, you have a full-blown Jennifer-Beals-in- Flashdance look going. This is very easy to avoid, people. If you have a shoulder showing, or have the urge to cinch your cotton sweater with a belt and wear it with leg warmers and tap shoes, it’s time to get rid of it.
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    I divide my sweaters into two categories: city and country. City sweaters are lean and mean, and country sweaters are big, and chunky. The first rule of thumb is that your top and bottom halves need to match. If you’re wearing a big, chunky, rugged fisherman knit sweater, your bottom needs to be rugged, too. Unlike your favorite bisexual, your country sweater doesn’t go both ways. Don’t wear a big fisherman’s sweater with a beautiful silk-and-wool suit pant. Instead, wear it with something as casual as cargos or jeans, or dress it up with a Harris tweed blazer.
    Your Shirts: When to Say Good-bye
    â€¢ If it’s stained
    â€¢ If you can see your elbows
    â€¢ If the collar is as yellow as the “before” pictures of dentures in those Efferdent commercials
    â€¢ Pitted out shirts are just plain grody! If you haven’t been able to Shout it out, throw it out
    The Sweatshirt and Sports Jersey: Proceed with Caution
    Sweatshirts are only for the gym, people. Anything with the word “sweat” in it should not be part of your regular wardrobe. I don’t mind a classic collegiate sweatshirt or a classic Champion to work out in, but not to wear out to dinner. The only exception is the vintage sweatshirt, which can be fun. What I really hate are the gigantic oversized sweatshirts that say “Minnesota Golden Gophers” or some other slogan. People in sweatshirts just look sloppy, like they should be at home painting their bathroom.
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    Let’s be clear about something: Sports jerseys are a uniform. Period. If you’re actually a professional athlete, or you’re the guy who drives the Zamboni, they’re okay; if you’re watching in the stands, you’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re not Wayne Gretzky. A jersey should never be worn on a date, unless it’s a same-sex date with a member of the opposing hockey team. The best thing you could do with team jerseys is take some advice from the Hard Rock Cafe and frame them. They’ll be just the thing for the walls of your basement rec room.
    You’ll also want to remember that super chunky ski sweaters and really thick fisherman knit sweaters were designed with a purpose: to keep you super warm outdoors . Keep in mind that in today’s climate-controlled world, if you’re going to be indoors, at work, shopping, or wherever, you’re probably going to be too warm in one of them. They tend to be expensive because they use a lot of yarn, so invest in only one or two, because you won’t have that much occasion to wear them unless you live in Maine. Otherwise, these sweaters are best left for skiing