she said it made me want to ask her where it was supposed to go. She didnât sound too broken up about it, but I am, even though Iâve known it was coming. The four of us had such fun together: like that time we drove to Rosarita Beach for breakfast,âand the time we all were skinny-dipping at Peterâs and Mrs. Winder surprised us and we ran and hid in the bushes around the side of the house and had to stay there naked and shivering until she went upstairs to the bathroom, only then we almost got caught because Tom burst out laughingâand the time we went to that reggae concert and Carrie and Tom started the whole audience dancing in the aisles.
We were so happy. We thought nothing would ever change. Now look at us. Itâs not just my having a babyâitâs everything.
Monday, September 9
I finally worked up the nerve to talk to Mrs. Rykoff about giving violin lessons to little kids. I was afraid of what sheâd say. She was really nice about it, but she said I was a little young to give lessons and she was afraid most people wouldnât want to start with someone who was expecting a baby in a few months. She said if I was serious about it, though, I should put notices in places like the supermarket and the dry cleaners and see what happens.
Then she asked me how I was doing, and I told her what a hard time Iâve had with The Lark Ascending. She said that if I came over, sheâd work through it with me. I told her I couldnât pay, but she said I should come anyway. I couldnât stop thanking her.
Somehow, just knowing Iâd be working on the piece with Mrs. Rykoff made me play better this afternoon. Even Mom said so.
Nick and I put up three-by-five cards in all the stores near the supermarket after dinner. I should put one up in the music store.
Tuesday, September 10
Today at school I met this girl named Stacy Mahoney. Sheâs seventeen. A blond, big, sort of blubbery girl, but I think Iâm going to like her. I was complaining about how hard it is to catch the bus at six-thirty in the morning, and she laughed. She said if I thought it was hard now, wait until my baby was born. Her Tyler is seven months old, and she has to change him, get him dressed and fed and then get herself ready to catch the bus. She has to get out of the house by six every morning because her stepfather yells at her if the baby wakes him up. Sheâs afraid heâll throw them out.
When I asked why she didnât get her own place, she looked at me like I was crazy. âYou donât know anything, do you?â she said.
That kind of ticked me off, but as we kept talking about what itâs like for her, I could see she didnât mean to put me down. I really donât know anything.
Wednesday, September 11
I have to get a job. I hate having to ask Mom and Daddy for every little thing. Itâs so demeaning. I can tell how they feel about me and the babyâlike I donât deserve to live anymore because of what Iâve done. I asked at the dry cleaners, the stationery store, the bakery, and the deli. No one was hiring part-time except at the deli, and they needed someone to cover the lunch shift, not after school. It was so discouraging.
I mentioned it at dinner. Daddy said I was nuts to even try. âYou can forget about getting a job with that load youâre carrying. No oneâs going to want you.â
Maybe heâs right and I am crazy to think anyone would hire me. But why does he have to be so mean about it?
Thursday, September 12
I made real progress on The Lark with Mrs. Rykoff. I was counting wrong. Now that Iâm doing it right, it sounds a lot better. Mrs. Rykoff asked me to come and work with her on dynamics next week, which is really nice.
It turns out that Mrs. Rykoff had a baby when she was young, tooâthough not as young as me. She was in college and didnât drop out. She gave lessons, went to school, and took care of the