Free Once Upon a Time in Hell by Guy Adams Page A

face, god damn it!" said the old man. My opponent roared and swung his hairy arm back to return my blow. With what probably sounded like a girl's choir tuning up I shouted back and punched him as hard as I could in his eye.
    The old man kicked him in the back of his legs and tugged him backwards by the hair on his head.
    Everybody sitting at the table looked as surprised as I did to see the thing fall over. A solid kick from the old man kept him there.
    "Yeah," I added, thinking I might as well cash-in on this unexpected success, "and stay down you shaggy piece of shit."
    "Don't push your luck, damn you," said the old man, "just sit down and mind your tongue next time."
    I took the vacated chair before anyone could argue and proceeded to try and make friends with everyone.
    "My name's..." I had to think for a moment, uncertain of my own name and with only eleven dollars to show for it. "Elwyn," I continued. "Shall we play some cards?"
    "I don't tend to play with ruffians," said Agrat, giving me a disapproving look. "I like to keep better company than that."
    I looked around the table. As well as her, I was playing with a baby sporting a pair of jet black bat's wings; what looked like a cross between my grandmother and an over-cooked steak, white curls bobbing over its creased, brown, featureless face and what I would have taken to be a carved wooden statue of an Injun were it not currently taking a sip of its drink, fat arm creaking like a tree branch in a high wind. "I can see that, madame," I replied, "and I can only apologise for speaking so coarsely.
    Tell the truth I was bitten by a wolf hound as a child and my tolerance of anything doglike is limited. I guess I spoke out of fear, not thinking of the refined ears that would have to suffer such indignities. If I could take the vulgar comments back I most surely would."
    "Not bad," the old man admitted, stood at my shoulder. "I had no idea you knew how to be charming."
    Agrat offered a thin smile. "Well, I suppose I might turn a blind eye just this once as you've apologised so sweetly. Now, tell me, are your pockets as rich as your words?"
    "Have no fear there my dear lady," I said, fishing my chips out of my pocket. "Eleven fulsome dollars await your attention."
    She laughed. "Oh maybe I do like you after all you silly boy. If your memories were only worth that much I can hardly compound the insult by refusing you a place at my side."
    "Oh, is that not very good then?" I looked over towards the kiosk. "Maybe she short changed me."
    "Or maybe," said the baby with the bats wings, "you just didn't live a very full life."
    "Plenty of time to change that," I said but the old man put his hand on my shoulder.
    "They think you're dead, remember. And unless you want to cause more fuss than you or I can likely handle, it would be better were it to stay that way."
    "Time is gone for you, I think," said the beef-thing in the hairpiece, its meaty skin parting to show a toothless black hole of a mouth. "Life here is a very different thing."
    "Which is why we must fill it with games and entertainment," said Agrat. She took hold of my hand. "I take it you haven't played here before?"
    "You can tell the truth," said the old man. I shook my head. "My first time here."
    "Then you don't know the traditions of the table," she said.
    "Here we go..." muttered the baby with the wings. "I just want to play cards but now we have to plough through the stories again."
    "It's the rules," said Agrat, "whenever someone new joins the game."
    "And never let it be said Agrat doesn't like sticking to the rules," the baby replied, rolling its big eyes.
    "No. It would indeed be better were that never said." Agrat stared threateningly at the baby.
    "Fine," it sighed.
    Agrat returned her attention to me. "Poker is a game of bluff but honour demands each person playing should give a brief account of themselves to the other players before the game commences."
    "Right, so you know who you're dealing