Free Alvarado Gold by Victoria Pitts-Caine Page B

married to Richard for a while and he could still do that to her. I wonder if I could feel that way about someone for ten or twenty years.
    Since dinnertime approached, I probably should have gotten up and fixed something. Instead, I sat there and let my thoughts take me back over the years. Thoughts I sometimes didn’t like to remember. Thoughts about how I’d gotten to where I was now.
    I’d been so young when Dad died, so full of dreams and ambitions. I’d wanted to go to Egypt see all the artifacts where they really belonged instead of some glass case. Look at the Dead Sea scrolls. Work on some big important project.
    April of my freshman year at the University of San Francisco, Mom called me at the dorm, her voice wrought with sadness. He was gone. The man I’d cherished for eighteen years. The man, who meant so much to all of us, crushed in a cave-in. I knew how much Mom depended on him. Somehow, I thought Eric and I could take his place. I thought she needed us; but instead, she shut us out.
    When I graduated, I began working at the museum. While attending a fundraiser, one of the board members introduced me to Jack. I took the job to stay close to Mom and gave up my dreams. She died the first winter I worked at Docurestore. While the death certificate said pneumonia, the doctor told us she’d just given up. Her illness really stretched out over two years, not just the final six weeks in the hospital. Grandpa and I spoke daily. We prayed together over the phone. Alone, sitting in her room, I prayed unceasingly for her to be spared. I was in the hospital chapel. The soft candlelight softened the room. Soul-soothing music played in the background. I was on my knees with my head resting on the pew in front of me, when Eric put his hand on my shoulder.
    His voice trembled as he spoke, “She’s gone, Addie.” It was the last time I’d been inside a church.
    Maybe, I reasoned, I’d never let anyone get close because of my parent’s situation. I didn’t want to devote my whole life to someone, then have them torn away. I didn’t know. I was too stubborn, too independent, now. I could have married Jim if I’d wanted. He certainly asked enough times. But no, good old do-it-yourself Addie Brown wasn’t going to need anyone to help her through life. It was Grandpa who had told me to find my purpose. “There’s a time to every purpose, Addie.” He urged me to find it. “Lasso that star.”
    Everything was barreling down on me and I knew it was up to me to change things. I felt empty, unmoored, lost. I’d decided to quit my job; reset my course. I’d been too loyal to Docurestore for too long. I didn’t know why I stayed. I guess I thought Jack needed me, too. I’m good at what I do but he let me walk off the job a month ago without hesitation. Then Grandpa died and I was right back where I’d started.
    If I really looked close, I guess I could call myself resentful, even a little mad. If Dad hadn’t been out of the country on some crazy project, then he wouldn’t have been killed. I wouldn’t have thought Mom needed me.
    I definitely wouldn’t have stayed in this job. The salary sustained me and I’d managed to buy my little condo. I never could do much with it. My attempts to become a homemaker failed miserably. I considered the only bright spot to be the patio. The California weather allowed me to spend a lot of time there. I wondered if I should sell. Move into the city. I’d thought about working at the museum again. Something for more pay, of course. I could teach restoration in my sleep at the university. I could travel and, on my own, quest for projects.
    Then there was Jim. Five years of my life wasted. Another reason I stayed on at my job. He wouldn’t leave San Jose.
    Truthfully, I don’t think anyone ever really needed me. I was just there. Well, I don’t need anyone either.
    I could feel the inner turmoil begin to boil again as it had so many times during the last two years. I seemed to