Free Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) by Jamie Mayfield

difference to us.
    Rather than worry about what would or wouldn’t happen that morning, I decided to imagine being in the shower with Jamie.
    As it turned out, the pastor’s sermon wasn’t about homosexuality. Instead he preached about adultery. Apparently, someone’s secretary had been caught in bed with someone else’s husband. The scandal was all over the church. Men talked about it in low voices behind their copies of the hymnal while women gossiped more openly in the doorway. It was a feeding frenzy, and the sharks were in prime form. With a mounting sense of unease, I wondered what kind of frenzy they would go into over Jamie and me. Which is the worse sin: being a whore, an adulterer, or a fag?
    After the service, while we were getting ready to leave, two of Jamie’s friends from school, Karen Simmons and Emma Mosely, came by to say hi. Emma, the smaller, shy, soft-spoken girl with glasses and frizzy brown hair, kept sneaking furtive glances at Jamie. She had an annoying habit of dissolving into a fit of giggles each time his gaze fell upon her. Karen, on the other hand, was a bigger girl with a loud, grating voice. Her black hair fell in waves around her boyish face, and she moved awkwardly in the heeled shoes she apparently wore only on Sunday. Today, her acne was acting up again, and it was hard to draw my eyes away from the torrent of purplish spots along her cheeks and chin.
    Mrs. Mayfield beamed as she watched the exchange between Jamie and Emma, and I got the feeling she had sent the girls over to us. It was obvious Emma was attracted to Jamie. I mean hell, who wouldn’t be? He was smart, sweet, and beautiful. Mrs. Mayfield was obviously pleased that such a wholesome, churchgoing girl was interested in her boy. Then they could get married, live in town, and have a dozen wholesome, churchgoing babies.
    “Hi, Brian,” Karen said, sidling up next to me, her voice a little loud to be polite for post-church chatter. I wasn’t sure if she was interested in me as much as she was interested in getting Emma and Jamie together. They had never displayed this kind of attention in the cafeteria at lunch. Maybe they had just worked up the courage, or maybe there were fewer teenage witnesses at church. More likely, however, was the idea that Jamie’s mother had given them a little pep talk. In any event, they were working their advantage.
    “Hi, Karen,” I mumbled, wondering how I could put off a vibe that said “not interested” without actually giving myself away.
    While making small talk with this overly enthusiastic girl about her quest to become first chair in band, I happened to look over and notice that Jamie was flirting with Emma. He was smiling that secretive campy smile I thought he saved for me, and then he pushed her frizzy hair back behind her ear. Something in me broke as I watched the exchange. I excused myself quickly, thanking Mrs. Mayfield for letting me stay as I walked purposefully toward the door. Jamie tried calling me back, but I never slowed.
    He called my house three times that day, and each time I asked Carolyn to tell him I was unavailable. Technically, that was true, because I had a lot to think about. What if Jamie isn’t gay? What if it’s just some different form of our deeper friendship, and I’m keeping him from a much less complicated life? He could go on to marry a girl, have kids, and be normal. With me, the only thing he could look forward to was a life of hardship and ridicule. On the other hand, I thought after last night things had changed between us. I thought we were becoming closer, that we were becoming more than just friends. For him to flirt with someone else right in front of me was like a slap in the face, and I didn’t appreciate it. I hated feeling so damn insecure all the time, so unsure about Jamie. It would be funny if it weren’t so dangerous.
    When he called the final time, he left a message, and Carolyn came up to my room to deliver it.
    “Brian,