Free Cobalt Blue by Sachin Kundalkar

Anuja woke up and began to cry again. She begged Aai-Baba’s forgiveness. Sharayu Maushi and Nadkarni Kaku turned up to give Aai moral support. Baba went to inform the police. Anuja refused to tell the police anything.
    When Anuja began to talk, when it was all put into words, I felt no anger, just misery, aridity.
    In the evening, when I was sitting in the tower room, doing nothing, Anuja came upstairs and peered in. She was in the mood to talk. She told me that you had left her, without warning, suddenly, one morning. I could offer no consolation. But as we came down the stairs, I wanted to drag her back up and throw her off the roof.
    In the next few days, my mind was a desert. Just as it was when you vanished. No, I should face it. Just as it was when you ran away with Anuja. I wasn’t shocked then. Nor did I feel any anger. I had decided that I would wait for you. When you didn’t show up all day, I ran to Sunrise. Menden said that you hadn’t even come for breakfast. The next day, when I asked whether you had said anything about travelling, Mehnaz said you had paid your bill a day earlier. The photograph of your parents was missing too. When Baba ransacked the tower room, I found some photographs, other ones. I began my vigil.
    Two days after Anuja returned, she was sent to a psychiatrist. She was sent to live with Sharayu Maushi for a change of scene. Rashmi took me into her care and managed to bring me back to my senses.
    I’ve had many people come and go in my life. I didn’t see myself as having been cheated by anyone. This time everything was different. This time changed every tomorrow.
    I have no tears now. Why should I? No one around me would understand. But memory surges back, hot and fresh. In your arms a stack of books. Your favourites. The image is out of focus now so I can’t make out the titles. And your face, above the books, filled with laughter. Behind it the fuzzy light that spilled from the room.
    Another photo I found in the debris of Baba’s room raid.

Anuja
10 July
    Today, I told Dr Khanvilkar that I seem to have made only bad decisions. My life was not the way I wanted it to be. I told her that I thought I was going to have to live one of those fraudulent lives I saw around me.
    To which she said, ‘Are you the only one who wants to live differently? Those who choose to live differently must suffer the consequences. They must take the pain their decisions bring. Anyway, you’re still young. Why should you accept defeat?’
    I wonder if I should believe what she says. But when you’re not strong in yourself, anyone can tell you anything and you’ll fall for it.
    Today, I also looked at myself in the mirror: swollen face, dark circles under sunken eyes, white tongue, hair like nylon to the touch. My face tells of the side effects of the drugs they’re giving me.
    At that moment, I wanted to end it all. I did not feel I could go on. I went into Sharayu Maushi’s bathroom and opened a bottle of eau de cologne and drank as much as I could in a single gulp. My mouth and throat began to burn; I dropped the bottle which fell and broke. I couldn’t even swallow; it came out again. This was failure piled on failure and I sat down in the middle of the glass and the intense smell and began to wail. Sharayu Maushi and Aai came running to see what was going on. Aai took in the broken bottle and began to rain blows down on me. I gritted my teeth and took her blows. Sharayu Maushi interposed herself. Aai tried to push her away and said, ‘You want to die? If we can hurt you so much, why did you come back? Go now, find some other man and elope with him.’
    Then she began to weep. My leaving must have hit her hard. I think she needs a psychiatrist more than I do.
    But her weeping caused a fresh storm inside my head. I thumped off into the hall and put on the television. A woman was singing a bhajan. I raised the volume until it drowned out the world and locked the door and sat there, barely