Free Becoming Me by Melody Carlson Page A

other hand, I guess I have learned a few things—the hard way, of course. And if there’s one thing I’ve really changed my opinion on it’s that sex should be confined within a marriage—”
    “Okay,” I say, holding up my hands to stop her. “I really don’t need another sex talk, thank you very much.”
    Then she laughs. “No, that’s not what this is supposed to be. I’m just saying that having done it all wrong, I can see now why it’s really better to wait.”
    I just shake my head hopelessly. “Steph, why are you telling me all this? I mean, it’s not like I’m planning to tackle Josh into some big snowdrift and just do it right there at the youth group retreat! Anyway, he’s still going with my best friend.”
    She just smiles then (an obnoxious sort of smile which makes me feel even more uneasy than when she was actually talking) and she says, “I’m sure you’ll make muchbetter choices than I did, Caitlin. You’re a lot smarter than I was when I was your age. And, hey, I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable.”
    Relieved that that little chat is over, I gladly change the subject, and she begins giving me some skiing tips (since I’ve only been a couple of times before and I’d rather not make a total fool of myself). I know she was just trying to help, and I won’t hold it against her.
March 4, Sunday (after the ski retreat)
    What a weekend! I’m not even sure where to begin, but I think I need to get all this written down so I can begin to figure the whole thing out for myself because my head’s still spinning.
    First off, Josh sat next to me in the van on the way up to the resort, and we talked and talked. And it was so totally cool. Then, on the first night up there, (after we ate dinner and played a bunch of goofy, but fun, games) the youth pastor got everyone together in front of this big stone fireplace with a big crackling fire, and he said some really good stuff. In fact, he said some things that really challenged me to look at my own life in ways I’d never even considered (and it reminded me a lot of the way Pastor Tony at Steph’s church talks). And for the first time since I can remember, things about God and faith really started making some sense. He said that to follow God is a conscious choice (not something you’re just born into like belonging to the same church for as long as you can remember). But that you have to give up yourselfentirely—and you have to surrender your whole life to God’s son, Jesus Christ. And that only then can you have a personal relationship—and how that relationship will be more real and lasting than any other relationship, and how relationship is more important than religion. Now, I’ve never heard that before, and suddenly I’m thinking, that’s what’s wrong with my thinking—I’ve been looking for some religion to be all perfect and everything, but I don’t even have a personal relationship with God.
    Anyway, it was a lot to think about, but I was willing to consider it. That night Josh and several of us stayed up late talking with the youth pastor about all this stuff. It was really starting to make sense to me. It’s like I could actually feel something happening inside me that was really different than anything I’d experienced at church before. And I’m not talking about the way you feel when you’re thinking about a boy or anything like that. I mean something a whole lot bigger and better—something so promising and fulfilling that I can’t even begin to describe it in words. But it was there. I know it was, and I was starting to feel really hopeful about my life and God and everything.
    By the next day, I really wanted to hear more about how I could have this kind of relationship with God, and I had a feeling I was on the brink of discovering something amazing and life changing. But then something else amazing and life changing happened to me.
    Well, Josh and I spent the entire day together. And by the second or