Free Becoming Me by Melody Carlson Page B

third lift up the mountain, he was puttinghis arm around me. At first I thought he’s just being sweet and friendly; like that kind of brotherly love that you always hear about in church. Because during all this time we’re talking about God and how we can have a relationship with Jesus and how our lives are really changing, and all sorts of exciting things like that. But one time I was skiing down a fairly steep hill and took this really tight turn going too fast and ended up splattered all over the side of the hill, skis and poles everywhere. Anyway, Josh helped me get it all together, then helped me back into my skis and on to my feet. And then after he gently brushed the snow out of my hair and face, he put his arms around me and then solidly kissed me!
    Well, let me tell you—it was quite a kiss! It felt like the whole mountain was spinning and shaking by the time he got done (and it was a fairly long kiss). Then all I could do was look up at him in utter amazement.
    “What was that all about?” I managed to say (at least that’s what I think I said), and he just laughed and said, “It’s just because you are one very special girl, Caitlin O’Conner.”
    Well, have you ever been in an old house (like where my grandma lives not too far from Beanie’s house) and all the electricity goes through this one little fuse box out on the back porch. If you plug in too many electrical appliances the fuse box just blows up and you see all these flashes and smoke, and then all the lights go out, and you have to go get a flashlight and replace the blown out fuses? I guess that’s sort of how I felt about then.Way too much was going on inside me. It’s like I was this overloaded fuse box about to blow up.
    But because Josh was right there with me, and God (though closer than ever before) seemed farther away, I just decided to plug all my circuits into Josh, figuring I could think about God later (he’s always available, right?). So Josh and I spent all our free time together. And yes, we kissed—we kissed a lot! I can hardly explain exactly how it felt when we kissed (and maybe it’s stupid to write about such things, but I just don’t think I can help myself because it was so totally incredible!). Anyway, it’s sort of like the air gets sucked right out of my chest and my stomach does flip-flops and my brain tingles. I know, that makes it sound sort of gross and unpleasant. Believe me, it was anything but unpleasant! Actually, it was totally magical!
    All I wanted to do was to be with Josh, to feel his arms wrapped around me, and to lock lips with him forever and ever! I’m more certain than ever that I’m totally and irrevocably and hopelessly in love.
    I’m just not sure how we’re going to break all this to Jenny. I figure it’s Josh’s problem. After all, he’s the one who’s going with her, he’s the one who should break it up, right? And even though I feel totally guilty about it (and believe me I really do), I know it’s all for the best to break the news quickly and get it over with. Because how could Josh possibly love Jenny as much as he loves me? Sure I know that Josh and Jenny went all the way and everything (and I’m still not real happy about that). But the way I see it, that’s a big part of their problem.   
    But, Josh has changed now. He’s trying to live like a Christian (and so am I). And he and I can have a really good relationship without going all the way. At least I’m pretty sure we can—although there were a couple of times when we were kissing and touching, and I did wonder—what would it be like? But I’m sure we’d never do that. I’m not ready for anything like that, yet. And Josh said himself that he wants to live differently now (and I’m pretty sure that’s what he was talking about). The youth pastor discussed all that boy-girl stuff on Saturday night. Not that I heard all that much since Josh had his arm around me and all I could think about was the strength in