Free The Downside of Being Up by Alan Sitomer

mirrors?” I asked again.
    â€œNone,” she said as she ripped open a bag of Sour Patch Kids and began to chug. “No pocket mirrors at all.”
    A minute later, her mouth was full of sugar. When the sour taste hit her tongue, Stephanie’s eyes rolled back into her head like an alien.
    â€œMmmm,” she moaned.
    That kid had issues, I thought. But my business with her was done. Allison had passed the Pocket Mirror Test.
    Of course, I did the Pocket Mirror Test myself on Allison, but in math class. Her dad was the teacher, and since he was so strict, it made sense for her to behave. After all, if Sheriff Mustache couldn’t control his own daughter, how was he ever gonna be able to control an entire room full of other people’s kids?
    Back in the school hallway, I looked into Allison’s eyes. They were the prettiest green I’d ever seen.
    â€œI was going to ask you . . . ,” I said.
    The inside of my stomach felt like there was a game of hopscotch being played in my belly.
    â€œI was going to ask you . . .” The words about the Big Dance were just so close. “I was gonna to ask you . . . um . . . about your math homework.”
    â€œAbout my math homework?” she said, wrinkling her nose.
    â€œYeah, about your math homework. I just wanted to see if you, ya know, if you did it or maybe you needed any help with it or something?”
    â€œUh,” she replied. “You do know that my father is the math teacher, right?”
    â€œOh, of course, of course.” I tried to play it cool. “I just wanted to be sure that, you know, you felt like you had enough mathematical support just in case, you know, any mathematical challenges came your way. You know, mathematically, that is.”
    What the heck are you talking about, Bobby?
    Suddenly, I felt a sharp elbow in the back.
    â€œHey, boner boy, knock, knock.”
    â€œHuh? What?” I turned around.
    Oh no, I thought.
    â€œI said knock, knock, weenie lips.”
    Nathan Ox pushed his giant chest right up against me. I swear that kid needed a bra. However, since Allison was standing right there, I figured I’d play along and try to act all cool.
    â€œOkay,” I said as if Nathan and I were old friends. “Um, who’s there?” I turned to Allison. “Nathan is such a kidder.”
    She half smiled.
    â€œCoco,” Nathan blurted.
    Call it a hunch, but something told me I didn’t really want to hear the second part of this joke. “Um . . .” I tried to remain composed. “Coco who, Nathan?”
    I smiled at Allison. No worries, I got this.
    â€œCoco-NUTS!” he yelled, and then he punched me in my lima beans. I immediately folded over and turned blue.
    â€œHave a nice trip to Planet Balls-in-Your-Throat, nut nose!” Nathan said with a laugh. Then he walked away.
    Hunched over, I looked up at Allison and mustered up a grin.
    â€œYep, such a kidder.” My voice was so high it sounded as if I had just sucked down a balloon full of helium. “See ya.”
    I shuffled away to go find a place where I could catch my breath. However, it was really tough to walk off in a cool-looking manner after my potatoes had just been mashed by the school butt-wipe.
    Bing-bong . Nutrition Break was over. Just like my chance with Allison.

12
    I walked into my house feeling smaller than a tadpole. A tadpole with a boner.
    Jeez, these things were relentless. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. What in the world was a guy supposed to do?
    â€œBobby, I’ve decided that you need more discipline,” Dad said before I had even put my backpack down. Mom was nowhere to be found, and Dad was never the one home when I got back from school, so I knew something was up. “You can either wash the car or you can mow the lawn, but you cannot not wash the car and not mow the lawn. Make your play.”
    Mom had put him up to this, no doubt. I readjusted the stiffy in my pants in a