Free The Ultimate Inferior Beings by Mark Roman

squelching sound was a round, slimy, green blob of about knee
height. It slid to the middle of the room leaving a sticky green trail in its
wake as drops of slimy gunge exuded from it. Everyone held their breath as it
came nearer and nearer.
    “Hello,” it said, which made
them all gasp again. “My name’s Chris. Welcome to Ground.”
    jixX, sylX and anaX looked at
each other. Not only was the slimy green blob speaking perfect English, but it
had a posh, Oxbridge accent.
    “I happened to be passing,”
continued Chris, “and saw your front door open; so I thought I’d just pop in to
say hello.”
    “Hello,” responded three
uncertain voices.
    “You’re new here, aren’t
you,” continued the slimy green blob.
    jixX was about to respond
when there was a loud click in a corner of the control room. “You’re new here,
aren’t you,” repeated an indistinct, crackling metallic voice from a
piezzothermal inductance loudspeaker. It made everyone, including the blob
Chris, look round, startled.
    “I say, an echo,” said Chris.
    “I say, an echo,” repeated
the indistinct, crackling metallic voice from the piezzothermal inductance
loudspeaker.
    “No,” explained LEP. “That’s
ALI – the Alien Language Interpreter.”
    “No,” repeated the
indistinct, crackling metallic voice, but in a slightly more refined accent than
before. “That’s ALI – the Alien Language Interpreter.”
    “It’s triggered by the
presence of an alien life-form,” continued LEP. “It records the alien’s speech
and uses cryptographic analysis to learn its language. When it’s learnt enough,
it automatically switches on and starts acting as an interpreter.”
    “It’s triggered by the...,”
started ALI and went on to repeat precisely what LEP had just said, but using
the refined accent.
    “But this alien life-form
speaks English!” said jixX, wondering whether the term ‘alien life-form’ might
be slightly insulting to Chris.
    “But this alien life-form
speaks English!” repeated ALI in more refined tones.
    “That’s why ALI switched on
so soon,” explained LEP.
    ALI translated this for the
benefit of the alien life-form.
    “Is there any way to turn it
off?” asked jixX.
    “Is there any way to turn it
off?” translated the machine.
    “Yes,” said LEP.
    “No,” translated the machine.
    “Just press the red button on
its control panel,” instructed LEP.
    The machine said nothing,
although its loudspeaker continued to crackle. It became even more silent when
jixX had pressed the red button.
    “Sorry about all that,” said
jixX to Chris. “Technology gone mad.” He gave a sheepish smile.
    “That’s alright,” said Chris.
“No need to apologize.”
    “The name’s jixX,” said jixX.
He made to offer the blob a handshake, but then thought better of it, and sort
of waved at it instead. “I’m the captain of this ship.” He introduced the slimy
green blob to the other two and to LEP.
    “Where are you from?” asked
Chris, trying to make polite conversation.
    “Tenalp,” answered jixX.
    “Ah, Tenalp,” said Chris.
    “You know it?” asked jixX,
surprised.
    “No. Never heard of it.”
    “Ah.”
    The slimy green blob looked
about the main control room. “Nice place you have here.”
    “Yes, we like it,” said jixX,
not realizing what he was saying. He gave the two others a nervous smile as
though afraid they might contradict him.
    “Well,” said the Mamm alien.
    “Indeed,” said jixX.
    The slimy green blob looked
about him again. He started humming a tune, but then stopped. Finally, he said,
“I expect you’d like me to take you to my leader.”
    “Er, yes,” said jixX,
brightening up. “That would be... er... good.”
    *
    Silence.
    “His name is Sir Roderick,”
offered Chris.
    jixX nodded politely. “Well
I’m looking forward to meeting him. Shall we go?”
    “Wait,” said sylX. “I need to
change.”
    “Yes, of course,” said jixX,
slapping himself on the forehead.