Free First Contact by Walter Knight Page B

tape. Smooth thrashed about in his seat, rattling his chains like a ghost. Attorney Depoli, feeling sorry for a fellow Homo sapiens, rose to address the court.
    “ Your Honor, young defendants like Mr. Smooth Johnson are most amendable to rehabilitation. Old Earth tradition allows for dese youts ruinin’ t’ings for demselves to be turned about by encouraging them to enlist in the military, rather than execution or wasteful languishing in prison. I propose deferred prosecution, subject to Mr. Johnson’s enlistment in the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, where he will receive the much needed positive mentoring his sorry excuse for a life has so sorely lacked. With the guidance of strong father figures like Colonel Joey R. Czerinski, Mr. Johnson will no longer be a mere pimple on the ass of society, but will be able to turn his life around and become a productive citizen.”
    “ What a load of happy horse shit that is,” scoffed Judge Black-Sting. “I’m not letting Johnson go so easily. He’s on the menu!”
    “ But the Legion could probably turn his miscreant behavior around,” I offered reluctantly. “I propose that whipping the defendant into shape be Sergeant Green’s next project. Johnson will either make the grade, or die fighting spiders. The New Gobi Desert is not forgiving of fools.”
    “ I’ll do it!” shouted Smooth, ripping the sock from his mouth. “Do I get a signing bonus?”
    Judge Black-Sting mulled over his decision. “It is done!” he announced magnanimously. “Sentence is deferred. The defendant miscreant Smooth Johnson will enlist in the Legion for the duration, to fight those uncivilized prude spiders on the Frontier. This is your last chance, punk. Make something of yourself!”
    “ One other thing,” I added. “Private Johnson owns a fancy racecar, the Toyota Pride, currently held in impound by the Scorpion City National Guard. May I indulge the Court to order the Toyota Pride forfeited to the Legion to help defer the cost of Johnson’s basic training and rehabilitation? The Legion is not some charity house for wayward youts,” I added, copying Depoli’s Rastafarian legalese.
    “ So ordered,” agreed Judge Black-Sting, pounding his gavel. “Czerinski gets the Toyota!”
    “ I object!” shouted Major Desert-Sting of the Scorpion City National Guard. “It’s not a Toyota, but an illegal Daewoo somehow smuggled past Mars, probably by drug runners. Czerinski is a thief and conspires with his Legion cartel to steal the Toyota Pride.”
    “ The Legion ATM System holds a one-million-dollar lien on the Toyota Pride,” shouted Depoli over the din. “It is settled law that the Legion gets first claim of possession.”
    “ Order in the court!” admonished Judge Black-sting, pounding his gavel as the scorpion audience hissed their support for the National Guard. “The Court will not be intimidated by mob rule. Colonel Czerinski is a Hero of the Legion with impeccable credentials, and a good fishing buddy of mine. I will not have his Butcher of New Colorado reputation besmirched. Federal jurisdiction preempts the National Guard. Czerinski gets the hot racer Toyota Pride.”
    “ Thank you, Your Honor.”
    “ Colonel Czerinski, when court is adjourned, you are cordially invited to my home for a barbeque. We are having a big blowout to celebrate the conclusion of the New Gobi 1000, and I am making you the guest of honor. Bring the Toyota Pride. I want to see what all the fuss is about.”
    “ Yes, Your Honor.”
     
     
     
     
    Chapter 11
     
    Legion armor patrolling again in the center of Scorpion City created quite a stir, but what can you do when a powerful federally -appointed scorpion judge offers an invitation to a barbeque? You attend, no matter how dubious the menu, and hope not to become an entree.
    Besides, I still might need help wrestling the Toyota Pride from the Scorpion City National Guard. The Scorpion City Autonomous Region is technically