Free The Diary of Ma Yan by Ma Yan Page A

lower my head and think, Why does my mother want to do this harvesting when she is so gravely ill? Why?
    For us, of course. So that we don’t have to lead a life like hers.
    Monday, July 16
Fine weather
    This morning while we were scything the wheat in the fields, my legs suddenly began to ache horribly. I sat down for a moment.
    My mother started in on me. “Really, Ma Yan. You’re exaggerating!”
    My little brother Ma Yiting rubs it in. “All students exaggerate. Look at our other comrade over there. It takes her half an hour just to get up!”
    And my mother adds, “Even if that girl’s exaggerating, she’s brought honor on her family. She’s succeeded in her exam. You…you disappoint me too much.”
    At that moment tears I’m not even aware of start pouring down my cheeks. They won’t stop. My mother is always extreme in her comments. She says things, then repeats them, then insists on them. How to bear it all?
    I mustn’t resent her. At heart I’m only angry at myself. If I had gotten into the girls’ school, she wouldn’t have spoken such hurtful words. She has her own problems. If she works hard, it’s so that we can go to school.
    In the village I’m good at a great many things, and few of the children can do better than me. That’s why my mother counted on my getting into the best school. But I let her down. How could she not be disappointed in me? She must be very upset.
    Saturday, July 28
A fine day
    This afternoon around three o’clock my mother is so ill, she can’t even get up. My brother and I give her some medicine to ease her pain. We rub her stomach with a cream. We haven’t finished when my cousin Ma Yiwu, the son of my father’s eldest brother, arrives.
    This youth of twenty-five has completed a degree from a technical school, but he’s having trouble finding work. He says that work in a successful business is bought with bribes and corruption.
    He comes in and sits down at the edge of the bed. He looks bothered. My mother asks him if he’s found work. My cousin answers, “It’s easy to find work, but you have to pay for it under the table. If I had two thousand yuan, I could get into a company. The problem is money. My family has no money. In a few days I’m going off and will get any old job. When I’ve earned enough money, then I’ll buy myself into a proper position.”
    I’m sitting on the stool and I notice that his eyes have filled with tears. When I see his hair, already going white, and his tortured face, my heart breaks. Why is it that the children of two generations of soldiers can’t find work? Today the grandson of a military hero has a degree, but no money, and as a result can’t find a job. Are the heavens blind? Do they only know how to take care of the most wicked people? Are they mocking the lives and deaths of good people? It’s all so unjust.
    I don’t know where my cousin went off to. I hope he’ll find a good job soon. It will make me incredibly happy for him.
    Monday, July 30
A fair day
    This afternoon, when I want to start writing in my diary, I can’t find my pen. I ask my brothers. No, they haven’t seen it. I look for it in the place where I was doing my writing yesterday, and it isn’t there either. I ask my mother. She says that yesterday she noticed that I had left my pen and notebook on the bed and she was worried that they’d get lost, so she put them away in the drawer. But my pen isn’t there. I’m distraught.
    You’re probably going to start laughing. “A pen. What a little thing to get so distressed about!”
    If only you knew the trouble I had to take to get that pen. I saved up my pocket money for two weeks. Some of my comrades have two or three pens, but I had none and I couldn’t resist buying one.
    The difficulties I faced in getting this pen are a mirror of all my other