Free Fireproof by Gerard Brennan

throughout the Church's website. Apparently, they did not believe in sacrificing or even harming children or animals, which Mike could get on board with, and believed that his current following would agree with. However, they were also against breaking the law and the use of mind altering substances. These ideals the Hoods might have a problem with. And then there was the biggest obstacle to this ready made religion. They didn't believe in Satan.
    The Church of Satan worshiped Satan, believed in magic, used Baphomet trinkets and sigils during their worshipping exercises, and even chanted the Phrase "Hail Satan!" (exclamation point optional but preferred) on a regular basis. But to them, Satan was not an individual deity or an immortal being. He was a representation of the average Satanist. By saying "Hail Satan!" they actually meant "Hail me!" instead.
    Mike thought this was a mighty peculiar idea. But then, he had some inside knowledge that LaVey's followers would discover in due course. Mike felt pretty sure that Lucifer would not be too happy with him if he took a short cut by affiliating himself with the most prominent Satanist organisation out there. They were too misguided.
    There were numerous minor churches devoted to Satanism and Devil worship, most of which were teen-cult money-spinning groups or flimsy excuses for sexual orgies and deviant behaviour. Some admitted to killing little furry creatures and drinking their blood. Others prided themselves on the number of Christian churches they had vandalised or burned to the ground. Most of this was more than likely fantasy and internet lies but Mike shuddered at the thought of some of the sick pricks that were out there and actually believed some of the shit they were preaching. Lucifer would have a special little room for each one of them.
    The worst behaviour in the name of Satanism seemed to have happened in the 1400s within European aristocracy. Mike had read of numerous scandals that involved child sacrifice and felt sick to his stomach. In those days the most common purpose of Satanism was to parody the Catholic Church by any means. This included defilement of the Eucharistic Host, saying mass backwards and spitting on inverted crucifixes. Many of these acts were made possible by involvement from deviant priests within Catholicism. Generally, it was more to do with a feeling of scorn towards conventional religion than any sort of identification with an evil deity. The fact that the altar was a naked woman and that the entire congregation would partake in a cluster fuck to round off the murder and chanting probably had quite an appeal too.
    In this time of gender equality, Mike was pretty sure that introducing naked lady altars to his religion would not fly.
    The imp's suggestion to consult Google for black mass instructions had not been as straightforward as he would have liked, but his research had given him plenty of food for thought. His biggest conclusion was that all existing organisations were wrong. It was up to him to come up with a new dogma and new rituals. He already had a few ideas to get the ball rolling.
    Mike stopped at a corner shop and bought a pen and a spiral-bound notepad. He then went straight to The Beehive and ordered himself a refreshing pint of Guinness. Murphy's girlfriend had returned to work, her period of grief over by the looks of it. She gave him the now familiar flirty smile full of nicotine stained teeth as she handed him his change. He held eye contact with her until she was called to serve one of the other barflies.
    You just couldn't keep a good pub down. Mere weeks had passed since Paul Murphy was glassed by a stranger, but all of the regulars were already back in the saddle. Between sips of his pint, Mike worked on the script for the imminent black mass. He smiled as he scribbled notes at a furious pace. It beat the shit out of sitting in the library.
    ***
    Three pints later, Mike's mobile phone rang. The O Fortuna ring-tone