Free My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters by Sydney Salter Page B

the skinny Elvis: PB and banana on whole wheat.
    "I just don't want to go to the stupid cinema club with stupid Megan and stupid Tyler because all they talk about is work this and work that. Plus Tyler thinks—"
    "Tyler, as in Tyler Briggs?" Mom's eyes got wide. "Oh, honey. He's such a sweetheart. Did he tell you how his mother recently remodeled their kitchen?"
    "Uh. No."
    Her voice got low. "I heard a rumor at work that it cost something in the mid—six figures. She did it all because she was hosting the book club in November and couldn't do a tea in her
Sunset
magazine double-page-spread backyard. Apparently, she still hasn't forgiven Cindy Yee." Mom leaned back, clutching a pillow to her chest. "I've been trying to swing an invitation to that book club for over a year. I read all the books just in case I get invited and people talk about previous selections."
    "That's kind of sad, Mom. Why don't you start your own book club?"
    "Never mind." She shook her head. "We're talking about you. So, you and Tyler—"
    "There is no me and Tyler. He thinks of me more like a sister."
    I put my face into the pillow and groaned. For five days, eight hours, and twenty-three minutes, give or take, I've heard his voice in my head: "little sister," "Stompy," "Italian loafers." I tried to get Hannah to analyze his statement about my not living in France, but she said it probably meant nothing and I should focus on the present, which just then involved selecting the juiciest melon for her fruit salad. Sometimes I think Hannah's actually a forty-year-old narc on an undercover gig. She wouldn't come to the movies because of some church youth night that her latest crush, Alex from Church, said he "might" or "probably" would attend. She wouldn't analyze that, either. So irritating. I totally envied her live-for-today attitude, though. Wouldn't work for me: today involved Megan, Tyler, and another boring movie.
    "But you'd like there to be a you and Tyler." Mom tucked her legs under her skinny bottom. "Is that it?" Too much glee hummed in her voice. She'd want me to date the biggest loser at Reno High if it meant her getting into that book club.
    "I'm really tired of the whole thing. I'd love to stay home and watch some sappy romantic comedy, eat junk food, and get nine or ten hours of beauty sleep. God knows I need it."
    "Oh, is
that
what this is all about?" Mom said. "Honey, your face has so much ... character."
    Character
ranks well below
cute
in the noncompliment department.
Character
is code for "ugly," but in a fascinating watching-a-car-wreck-on-the-freeway sort of way. An old woman with wrinkles on her wrinkles has a face with character. Ugly guys with great personalities and loads of money have character in their faces.
    My mom touched my nose, actually touched my nose, as if some kind of magic could spread from her beautiful face through her well-manicured fingernails to my nose. After my $360 paycheck on Friday, I was only $3,326, give or take, from buying myself some magic. Part of me wanted to tell Mom about the surprise nose job, but I didn't want to give her another opportunity to lecture me. Or give me a definite
no
answer. Again.
    "Come on, let's go make you look great for an evening of foreign cinema."
    "Mom. I don't think I even like foreign cinema. It's all so drab and depressing. People drink way too much. I don't think it sets a good example for an impressionable young woman like myself."
    "Nonsense." She led me upstairs into her bathroom, with its specially installed good lighting. "Tyler likes foreign cinema, so you can like it. How hard is that?"
    That
sounded so dishonest, or fake, or something. I kind of cringed because it reminded me about pretending to like the Raconteurs' music just because Tyler did. But that really wasn't the same, was it?
    "Tyler might just like Megan."
    "Megan! She's a fine girl, but nothing like you, honey." Mom ran a brush through my hair. "You look like Rapunzel."
    "So lock me away in