Free Selby's Shemozzle by Duncan Ball Page A

decent food.’
    Selby followed the man into a laboratory. There on the shelves were boxes and boxes of Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits, each one with a date written on it. He opened one.
    â€˜Have one of these,’ he said. ‘Thirty years old. That’s when we used to make excellent dog biscuits — long before Mayor Dorset took over.’
    Selby tasted it.
    â€˜Not bad,’ he thought. ‘Not as good as people-food, but not too bad.’
    â€˜You’re making me hungry, dog,’ the man said. ‘Now to get some food for myself …’
    The man picked up the phone and dialled.
    â€˜Is that The Spicy Onion? I’d like to order some takeaway food, please.’
    â€˜The Spicy Onion,’ Selby sighed in his mind. ‘I love that place. This guy has good taste in food after all.’
    â€˜Yes, I’d like one of those rice dishes with everything in it. Yes, that’s the one. That’s for me,Bartleby Boffin at the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit Factory in Poshfield. Thanks.’
    â€˜Oh no!’ Selby thought. ‘He doesn’t know about their peanut prawns, the most delicious food in the whole world! How can I tell him?’
    As soon as the man went out into the factory again, Selby picked up the telephone.
    â€˜The Spicy Onion? Bartleby Boffin here,’ Selby said, imitating Bart’s voice. ‘Cancel the rice thingy and bring me an order of peanut prawns, please.’
    Within a few minutes the food had been delivered and Bart sat at a bench ready to eat.
    â€˜Hmmm, what are these?’ he said. ‘They smell like prawns cooked in some sort of peanut sauce. They must have brought me the wrong order.’
    The man took one bite and then another and another until he was down to the last prawn.
    â€˜This is heavenly!’ he sighed. ‘It has to be the most delicious food in the whole world! Here, boy, the last one’s for you.’
    Selby gobbled the last prawn, and in a flash the man picked up the phone again.
    â€˜The Spicy Onion?’ he said. ‘It’s me again, Bart Boffin at Dry-Mouth. Could you send me another two orders of peanut prawns. No, make that five.’
    â€˜Five orders of peanut prawns!’ Selby thought. ‘Oh goody. I wonder if he’ll give me some more.’
    â€˜I’ve just changed my mind,’ said Bart.
    â€˜Uh-oh,’ Selby thought.
    â€˜Instead of five orders, bring me one hundred orders. Yes, one hundred. One zero zero. And make it snappy.’
    â€˜He’s gone completely bonkers!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s been working too hard and eating too much dog food. He can’t possibly eat one hundred orders of peanut prawns even if I help him.’
    Soon the Spicy Onion van had unloaded the one hundred orders of peanut prawns and driven off. For the next hour, Selby and Bart ate peanut prawns till they were sick of them. But there were still ninety-five containers left.
    â€˜I’ll bet you’re wondering what I’m going to do with these,’ the man said to Selby. ‘Just watch.’
    Bart emptied one after another of the containers of peanut prawns into the dog biscuit mix.
    â€˜If you’re anything like other dogs,’ he said to Selby, ‘then dogs are going to love these new biscuits. Who cares if I get the sack? At least I will have made a few dogs happy.’
    â€˜What a nice man,’ Selby thought as he smelled the heavenly smell of the new peanut prawn-flavoured biscuits coming along the conveyor belt.
    Bartleby Boffin picked up a biscuit and broke it in half. He gave half to Selby and ate the other half himself.
    â€˜Not as good as real peanut prawns,’ Selby thought, ‘but still delicious.’
    â€˜Delicious,’ Bart said, agreeing with Selby without knowing it.
    The first hint that something strange was about to happen came with sounds in the distance.
    â€˜What’s that?’ Selby thought as the sounds grew