Free Pitcher's Baby by Saylor Bliss

counter. I turn
and walk away, unable to stand the sight of her anymore.
    Frank walks in the door just as I reach it,
and he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the car. Mom is not far behind
us. I hear her shuffling down the hall, mumbling to herself, and all I can
think in that moment is . . . just leave her here. But I don't say it out loud,
not that Frank would even listen if I did, but in that moment, I want nothing
more than to be as far from the woman who gave birth to me as I can be. I still
don't understand what exactly she was doing in the bathroom, but I do know it's
not good, and somehow, I know that it is tied directly to the reason that Meika’s
uncle is angry. And that thought makes me angry and . . . sad. So sad, because
now I am leaving my whole life behind again.
    I feel a tear slide down my cheek,
surprising me. I didn't think I had any more tears inside of me. I honestly
didn't think I could feel enough to cry anymore. I have worked really hard to
shut down every part of myself that feels pain over the last three months,
refusing to show any emotion to anyone around me. I welcome the numbness. I
welcome the absence of feeling. I want to be fine. I need to be. And so I will
be . . . tomorrow.
    I roughly swipe the offending tear off my
cheek and swallow the lump of heartache down once again. It’s getting easier, I
think, to not care. To not feel anything. Every time I open myself up and try to
be happy again, something like this happens. It never fails. The moment I
believe that I can be happy again, my world is ripped out from underneath me
again. I don't want to exist in this life anymore. I don't want to.
    Let it go,
    the friendly voice in my head tells me. I
like her. She protects me. She won't let me feel.
    She cares.
    The snow begins to fall faster, in a hurry
to coat every available bare surface. I watch it, transfixed by the beauty of
it, and imagine if Aaron were still here, we would be outside throwing balls of
snow at each other, but he's not here, because of her. Because she only wanted
me. Why? I wish he was here. I wish I wasn’t all alone. I miss him so much, it
hurts deep inside my stomach. It aches, and I rub my chest, trying to make it
go away, not wanting to feel the pain anymore. If I close my eyes tight, I can
almost hear his high-pitched squeals and see his rosy red face, flushed from
excitement, just like he was the last time I saw him, but then I open my eyes,
and reality sets in again.
    He's not here.
    He's at home with my daddy.
    I wish I was home.
    I want my daddy.
    Let it go, she whispers again.
    I let it go.
     
     

Chapter
Nine
    Lucas
     
    We’ve been on the road for two weeks now.
We lost our series in Boston two to one, and then moved on to Chicago. It’s our
last game here before we head back to Phoenix. I hate to admit it, but for the
first time since I started my professional career, I actually feel homesick,
and it has nothing to do with my house.
    I miss Charlee and Everly.
    I can’t wait to walk through the door and
pick her up and kiss her swollen, fat cheeks. She turns two months old tomorrow,
and I want to be there for it.
    Somehow, the sweet baby girl has managed
to do what no one has been able to do in the last five years. She has made me
happy again. I didn’t think a day would come that I would ever be able to look
at another child and feel anything other than heartache and grief, but with
Everly, I can’t help but feel so much more. She is perfect in every single way,
just like her mommy.
    It pisses me off to no end when I think
about the way her father is acting. I know it’s not my position in either of
their lives, but I swear, if his piece of shit ass shows his face around them
high or drunk while I’m there, it will be the last thing he does for a while.
No one should abandon their children, especially not for addiction. I
understand everyone in life has their own problems, but there are plenty of
places out there to get help.
    If you want