Free Behaving Like Adults by Anna Maxted Page A

or did I see it on television? If it’s
you
, you’re hardly likely to remember yourself from across the room! It must have been on
Casualty
or ER. My brain refused to give me access. Hell knows what I drank last night. I said, ‘We did it in the kitchen.’
    â€˜That is
terribly
sexy! I’ve worked out that it takes the average couple six months to relegate sex to the bedroom, so I bin ’em after five. Well, babes, I’m pleased. I detained Nick for as long as I could. You know, he was desperate to follow you home and kill the moment.’
    I remembered. ‘Nick did come in the front door at one point but I think he heard us and went straight out again. I felt terrible about that. I still do.’
    â€˜You mustn’t, it’s not fair of him to make you feel that way. Don’t let him spoil this for you. You should be high on the lust hormone, what is it, you remember, the same as whatever’s contained in chocolate.’
    â€˜Cocoa?’
    â€˜Don’t be facile. Seriously, babes. Don’t let him stand in your way. Has he called?’
    â€˜Nick?’
    â€˜Stuart. Stuart!’
    I swallowed. ‘Not yet. Rach. Do you think that sex with the same person gets better? If it’s not that brilliant the first time.’
    â€˜Now we’re getting somewhere. Why, wasn’t it?’
    â€˜I don’t
think
so. He was a bit . . . clumsy.’
    â€˜Nerves. He was shy! That is so sweet. An inconvenience,a huge bore and a waste of your precious time, but so sweet.’
    I nodded. I liked that idea. It made sense. I put down the phone, relieved.
    The first time Nick and I had sex it wasn’t great. I think we both knew that we’d found each other, that this could be the start of
It
. So the other It had to be perfect. As Nick says, a one-night stand is little more than an elaborate wank. If you impress the other person, it’s probably because you want to satisfy your ego. It’s
because
you don’t care that you can put on a decent show. Because we did care – so we consoled ourselves – our first fuck was appalling.
    We kept bumping teeth. Nick’s zip got stuck and I ripped a nail trying to prise it open. And I don’t mean boohoo, I broke a nail, I’m not a nailsy kind of girl, I mean
ripped
as in torn away from my bleeding skin. I was just about weeping with pain and frustration. We finally got there, but tempers were frayed and it was hard to concentrate. I can only explain it by asking you to imagine having sex with Maximus, from
Gladiator
. (Not Russell Crowe, please, what do you take me for?) You’d be so delirious and disbelieving that you and Maximus were actually getting it on, your hour of triumph would be a shambles.
    That was me and Nick, the first time. It was supposed to be an erotic ballet, it felt more like bumper cars. Then I realised I needed the toilet. I tried to ignore it, but it was like he was poking my bladder with a stick. Eventually I had to decide between a toilet break or weeing on him. Which I’m not into. When I sped back from the bathroom, I found Nick’s penis asleep. The wretched thing was as limp as if it were lounging by the pool on a sunshine holiday. All attempts at resuscitation were useless. Its owner lay face to the pillow and wouldn’t speak or look at me. Call me Sherlock, I detected resentment.
    Frankly, I felt the same way. I’m quite demanding. My belief is if you
say
what you want, you have more chance of getting it. I’m not a mind reader, I don’t expect men to be. If the word clitoris doesn’t roll off your tongue, chancesare it won’t be rolling off his either. I’m not saying I bark orders like a sergeant, rather that I know to show a man what I want instead of forcing him to guess. But with Nick, our connection was such, I’d hoped for telepathy. And got a crossed line. I felt angry, then I looked at his back, smooth and