Free Scary Dead Things - 02 by Rick Gualtieri Page A

traveling in style; however, I was expecting a little better than this.
     
    “Coffin, crate, what's the difference? You'll fit, and since you're flying freight, the accommodations don't need to be fancy.”
     
    “Freight?” I asked.
     
    “FedEx, to be exact. They'll be loading you up in the next hour or so. We still gotta put all the export forms onto this thing, so we don't have time for too much dicking around here. Hop on in.”
     
    “It's a box!”
     
    “You want luxury? Next time, go first class, cheapskate.”
     
    That fucking bitch! She was mailing me to China. She was goddamned lucky that I had no interest in pissing off James. If not for that, I'd be grabbing a cab back to the loft and sticking her ass in a box.
     
    “You waiting for an engraved invitation?” the vampire attendant asked impatiently.
     
    “No, I'm going,” I sighed, climbing in and trying my best to find a comfortable position to lie down in. “Just make sure my bags don't get lost.”
     
    “Won't be a problem,” he said and started tossing them in with me. I didn't pack heavy, but still. What had merely been an uncomfortable fit was now a tight uncomfortable fit.
     
    “What the fuck, man!?” I yelled in outrage.
     
    “Sorry. Your papers specify one and only one box. Take it or leave it.”
     
    However, that last part wasn't really an option. Before I could say another word, the zombies placed the lid back onto the crate, and I could hear them nailing it shut.
     
    There was a knock on the top of my makeshift tomb, and I could hear the attendant yell, “Whatever you do, don't try to get out until they open it up. Once you're in China, a truck will take you to your destination, and your contacts will release you. If you try to get out beforehand...well, let’s just say the Chinese can be a little trigger happy.”
     
    Great! “What if I have to go to the bathroom?” I yelled back.
     
    “Heh! I hope for your sake you didn't drink anything before getting here.”
     
    * * *
     
    My iPod made it about three quarters of the way through the flight before finally crapping out. Not that I had much of a chance to relax and enjoy the music. The loading process was brutal in and of itself. I must have been dropped at least three times. As for the flight, aside from some brief layovers to refuel, it was a real motherfucker. The pilot was either a daredevil or an idiot, as he seemed to make it a point to head straight into whatever turbulence he could find. Even had I not been afraid of flying before, I sure as shit was now. After my music died, I did the only thing I could think of to pass the time...mentally kill Sally over and over again. By the time we finally landed and I could feel my box being unceremoniously loaded onto a truck, I had come up with some pretty ingenious scenarios for her untimely demise. Ultimately, though, I kept coming back to using a wood chipper to do it. There’s nothing like the classics.
     
    The truck ride took another eternity, during which I had to assume we were either moving along unpaved roads or the driver had a serious fetish for potholes. Straw or no straw, all I knew was that my entire backside was full of splinters. I was just about to start hoping that one of them would eventually be long and sharp enough to pierce my heart when the truck finally stopped at long last.
     
    I could feel my box being lifted up and then dumped onto the ground. Jesus Christ! Was it too much to ask for somebody to tape a fucking ‘ Fragile: do not drop ’ sticker onto me?
     
    What followed was some muffled conversation. I couldn't make it out. No surprise there. I was in China after all...or at least I hoped I was in China. It would be just my luck to have been delivered to the wrong place. Right now there could be some poor schmuck in Alberta, Canada, thinking he was about to unpack his new end table, when whoops...sorry, but we shipped you a pissed off vampire by mistake.
     
    The muffled conversation