Free This Is a Book by Demetri Martin Page A

away.
]
    EMT 2: Doctor, we’ve also got a second patient. He’s right over there.
D R . B ARNES: What’s his story?
EMT 2: He’s the guy who pushed the other guy off the building.
D R . S TONE: What’s his condition?
EMT 2: He’s fine, except for a minor cut on his shoulder.
D R . S TONE: Okay. Bring him over.
     
[
Dr. Stone turns to Dr. Barnes.
]
    D R . S TONE: I’m getting tired of working here.
D R . B ARNES: Tell me about it.
     

Rain
     
     
Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day
     
     
But don’t wait so long that plants decay
Or water parks get ruined.
     
     
Maybe just figure out a schedule
In which you could come back,
Like, perhaps, when I’m sleeping
Or at certain, specific times that might end up being helpful.
     
     
Say, for example,
During an enemy’s picnic.
Thanks.
     
     
Rain, rain, go away…
     
     
Or, now that I think about it, maybe you could come the next time the guy in the apartment next door has his idiot friends over to watch baseball.
In that case, rain, please find where the game is
And then rain on it until the game gets canceled and his friends leave.
And maybe then you could also show up and rain on each of them, while they’re on their way home. Yeah. That would be great.
     
     
Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day
     
     
Oh, I just thought of another great time for you to come:
Whenever one of those pricks with a loud motorcycle drives down my street or drives past me on the highway and weaves through traffic.
That would be a really perfect example of “another day” for you to “come again,” and to do so with as much force as possible, and maybe with extra slipperiness, too (if that’s an option).
Okay. Thanks.
     
     
Rain, rain, go…
     
     
You know what, while we’re at it,
When you do come again, rain,
Can you just come straight down, rather than on an angle, because it’s very annoying when
I’m trying to walk somewhere and you come down on an angle. It makes my umbrella less effective and if I’m wearing jeans they get wet and clingy, which really sucks.
All right. Thanks.
     
     
Rain, rain…
     

But, just to be clear,
You can disregard that last request about coming straight down if we’re talking about the situation with the guys on motorcycles or the other people I mentioned earlier.
So, the angle thing just pertains to when
I’m
walking. For
them,
though, I think coming down on an angle would work well.
Okay? Great.
Thanks, rain.
     
     
Rain, rai—
     
     
Wait, I was just thinking: What happens if I’m walking somewhere while, at the same time, one of the other situations I mentioned is also happening?
Okay, rain,… I think it would be best to just feel it out based on whatever I’m wearing combined with how annoying the other people are being at the time.
I don’t mind getting a little wet if it means that the aforementioned targets will be soaked, especially if I’m not wearing denim or some other fabric that takes a long time to dry.
Great. Thanks.
     
     
Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day
And when you do, please see above.
     
     
Okay, thanks, rain.
That’s it.
     

Honors & Awards (for Which I Would Qualify)
     
    National Champion at being the ex-boyfriend who is most consistently awkward around his ex-girlfriend and/or anyone who is even a casual acquaintance of hers.
    A scholarship awarded to Greek Americans who have done very little for the Greek American community but definitely look Greek American, no matter what outfit they are wearing.
    Top 40 people under 40 who live in my apartment building.
    The prize awarded to the individual who displays eminently distinguished achievement in continuing to eat Milk Duds even though the ones he’s already eaten are stll firmly lodged in his teeth.
    Medal given to the person who is, by far, the least annoying member of his extended family.
    Lifetime Achievement Award for Wanting a Lifetime Achievement Award, Despite Having Done Nothing to Earn It.
    Best Supporting