Free This Is a Book by Demetri Martin

before we discharge this patient.
     
[
Dr. Barnes looks at the patient’s chart and signs it.
]
    D R . B ARNES: Okay. All set.
P ROTAGONIST P ATIENT: Thanks, doc. I want you to know that after I finish avenging my brother’s murder, I’ll get my insurance information over to you. Until then… [
grinning as he delivers his catchphrase
] Adios, muchachos.
     
[
The nurse is visibly moved by the handsome protagonist patient’s delivery. Dr. Stone rolls his eyes. Dr. Barnes and Dr. Stone continue walking through the ER.
]
    D R . B ARNES: Where was I? Oh, right… We also had four broken arms today—all Caucasian males. All of the patients are fine and all of them are tan and have a little bit of stubble.
D R . S TONE: No surprise there.
D R . B ARNES: Oh, I almost forgot—we had one guy this afternoon, who’d been shot in the chest—
R. S TONE: Really? Did he need surgery?
D R . B ARNES: No. The bullet missed every vital organ.
D R . S TONE: No kidding.
D R . B ARNES: And, on top of that, he managed to pull out the bullet on his own using just a pair of tweezers. Then he stitched the wound up himself. He did a good job of it, too.
D R . S TONE: What did he use?
D R . B ARNES: A knife, some thread, and some whiskey.
D R . S TONE: No infection?
D R . B ARNES: Nope.
D R . S TONE: [
Shakes head
] Wow.
     
[
Dr. Barnes looks through his paperwork for anything else he missed.
]
    D R . B ARNES: We also admitted several other similar-looking Caucasian guys, whom we referred to Neurology to be treated for amnesia.
D R . S TONE: Hm. That seems to be going around.
D R . B ARNES: Also, about an hour ago we had a man came in with an injured ankle.
D R . S TONE: A sprain?
D R . B ARNES: Not even. It was just a bit swollen from being twisted. Apparently he jumped out of an airplane without a parachute, and twisted his ankle when he landed on a very forgiving awning before rolling to the ground.
D R . S TONE: [
Nods
] I saw something similar last week.
D R . B ARNES: We also treated a guy for exhaustion, who was “tired from having sex” with beautiful women—most of them spies.
D R . S TONE: Any female patients?
D R . B ARNES: Nope. But one woman came in to see one of the guys with amnesia. The attending nurse said that the moment they saw each other he suddenly remembered her and was instantly cured.
D R . S TONE: Hm.
D R . B ARNES: Yeah. Neurology took a look at both of them before they left because apparently they were moving in slow motion when she first entered his room.
D R . S TONE: Huh… Did you treat anyone else? Any Asian males by chance?
D R . B ARNES: Are you kidding? I haven’t seen one in ages. The last one who came in was with that black guy.
D R . S TONE: I remember. They were arguing a lot, but in a funny way…
D R . B ARNES: Right.
D R . S TONE: Anything for the Burn Unit today?
D R . B ARNES: Not really. One guy came in who had been in a really big explosion. Apparently, he was right in the middle of the explosion when it happened.
D R . S TONE: Yikes. That sounds bad.
D R . B ARNES: You’d think. But he was just a little sweaty and had some dirt on him. He looked kind of cool actually.
     
[
The doors fly open. Two EMTs enter pushing a gurney that has a badly mangled man lying on it.
]
    D R . S TONE: Whoa! Is he breathing?
EMT: Barely.
D R . B ARNES: Nurse! Get me 30 cc’s of Dexazine and call Trauma.
D R . S TONE: [
to EMT
] What happened?
EMT 2: Witnesses said he was in some sort of fight on the very top of a high building. It was quite a struggle. At some point, while he was laughing maniacally, he was thrown off the building and landed on a sharp fence before tumbling into the street and getting run over by a truck.
D R . S TONE: Let me take a look.
     
[
Dr. Stone takes a closer look at the man.
]
    D R . S TONE: This man is at the wrong hospital.
EMT 2: … Uh—
EMT: What?
D R . S TONE: He is some sort of villain or henchman.
EMT: Oh jeez. Sorry about that, Doctor.
     
[
The EMT wheels the man