Free Selby Speaks by Duncan Ball Page B

kelpie once and I put him in some sheepdog trials.”
    “Is that so?” Dr Trifle said. “How’d he do?”
    “He was found
not guilty!
Woo woo woo!” Gary laughed. “But seriously, I was going to sell him but he got his tail caught in a gate. I had to sell him
wholesale
because I couldn’t
retail
him! Woo woo woo!”
    “Oh, that’s very funny,” Dr Trifle said instead of laughing. “But you never really had a dog, did you Gary?”
    “I had a dog just like your Selby but he got lost.”
    “Isn’t that sad. What did you do?”
    “Nothing. I was going to put an ad in the newspaper but I knew it wouldn’t do any good.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because he couldn’t read! Woo woo woo!” Gary screeched, pumping his arms up and down, giving Selby time to dart out the door and into the bushes before he laughed. “Hey! Why don’t you bring Selby to the banquet tonight and I can tell some more dog gags?”
    That night the Trifles sat at the end of a long table next to Gary Gaggs. Selby was on Mrs Trifle’s lap watching as the comedian ate masses of food, lots of it falling on his checked shirt.
    Finally, just as the Peach Piffle dessert arrived, Gary Gaggs stood up.
    “Thank you very much for inviting me here tonight,” he started. “It’s too bad I’m on a diet. By the way, did you hear about the cannibal who went on a diet? He only ate pygmies. Woo woo woo!”
    “Oh, wow! That’s a good one,” Selby thought as he fought back a smile and the guests roared with laughter. “He only ate pygmies!”
    “But seriously, folks. This food reminds me of my mother-in-law’s cooking. My mother-in-law is a beautiful lady. She’s sixty years old and still has skin like a peach. But did you ever see the skin of a sixty-year-old peach?! Woo woo woo!”
    “A sixty-year-old peach!” Selby squealed as he gasped for breath. “I love his mother-in-law jokes!”
    “But seriously, she’s a lovely lady. I call her
my fare lady
. She used to be a bus conductor. Woo woo woo!”
    “Oh, I get it!” Selby thought putting a paw over his mouth. “My
fare
lady! That’s great!”
    “She’s lovely,” Gary went on. “She only has one false tooth. You’d never know it was false if it didn’t come out in conversation. Woo woo woo!”
    Selby put his head under the tablecloth and let out a giggle while everyone howled with laughter.
    “But seriously now, folks,” Gary continued. “My mother-in-law used to run a pet shop. One day I went there to buy a pet. She said, ‘I’ve got a cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks.’ I said, ‘A cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks? What does it say?’ And she said,
‘Ouch!’ Woo
woo woo!”
    Selby squealed with laughter.
    “I can’t stand it,” he thought. “I’ve got to get out of here before anyone realises I’m laughing.”
    “So I said to her, I said,” Gary went on, “'I don’t want a bird, I want a dog.’ And she put a dog up on the counter. Now wait a minute. Where’s that dog? Get up here, Selby.”
    “Gulp,” Selby thought. “What does he want me for?”
    Selby spied an open door and was about to run for it when Gary grabbed him and put him on the table.
    “She said, ‘This dog is pure Irish Setter.’ I said, ‘Oh really?’ and she said, ‘No, O’Reilly.’ Woo woo woo!”
    “O’Reilly! That’s great!” Selby thought, feeling everyone’s eyes looking at him. “But if Ican’t keep a straight face I’m a done dog. If only his jokes weren’t so funny.”
    “So I said to my mother-in-law, I said, ‘This dog has no nose. How does he smell?’ And she said, ‘Terrible!’ Woo woo woo!”
    Selby put a paw over his mouth to hide a creeping smile as Gary gripped his collar with one hand and patted him with the other.
    “But seriously folks,” Gary continued. “She told me that the dog was a real watchdog. And she was right. I took him home to guard my house and he sat down and watched TV. Woo woo woo!”
    “I can’t stand it any longer,”