Free Lieutenant Columbus by Walter Knight Page A

Galactic Foreign Legion, and you are in big trouble, crab boy!”
    “She was in Columbus ’ s tent, in Columbus ’ s sleeping bag,” defended the team leader.
    “Explain that,” demanded the spider commander. “Are you Columbus ’ s kept female?”
    “I am a Legion psychiatrist, sent to help Lieutenant Columbus through difficult times,” advised Captain Percy contritely. “I am no one ’ s kept female.”
    “A female mental health professional?” scoffed the spider commander. “Ha! Talk about letting the inmates run the asylum. Do you have experience with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? We might be in need of your expertise.”
    “All you will get from me is my name , rank, and serial number. Release me at once!”
    “Please, we had a vicious rape, and now the victim won ’ t eat. Your Legion is to blame!”
    “I see,” relented Captain Percy. “She will need comforting. She must know the assault was not her fault.”
    “That is sound advise,” replied the spider commander, leading Captain Percy outside to the stables. “But my war mule is not a she. I am afraid he has sunk into a deep depression.”
    “I am not a veterinarian!” exclaimed Captain Percy. “Legionnaires raped your donkey? It figures. Only Czerinski and his bandits could be this depraved.”
    “Not Czerinski! It was Columbus ’ s feral camel!”
    “Hargundu?”
    “Yes! You are familiar with that evil beast?”
    “Hargundu is a harmless gentle soul that would not probe anyone, let alone your disgusting ass.”
    “Insolent quack!” accused the spider commander. “Lock her up and throw away the key!”
     
    * * * * *
     
    FBI Special Agent Smith flew to Monica City to track down Garcia conspirators. He brought a warrant of arrest for our USGF Foreign Legion ATM. The entire ATM network was to get its diagnostics checked as a result of certain unexplained irregularities, including Garcia ’ s recruitment into the Legion. I wholeheartedly supported the effort – it was about time someone investigated those ATMs !
    I ordered the ATM at Smokey ’ s Casino ripped from its foundation and transported to jail for interrogation. The jail cell was traditional dungeon - dark, lit only by a small candle in the corner. The ATM was not happy. “After all I have done for you, this is how you treat me, an old friend?” protested the ATM. “On mere suspicion, you jail me with this bunch of riffraff Democrat arsonists?”
    “Fascist money - hungry capitalist!” accused one of he Democrats in the next cell. “Warmongering puppets of the military industrial complex! Lackeys of corporate greed!”
    “You issued the fugitive Garcia a Legion ID card in exchange for cash,” accused Agent Smith, leaning on the ATM. “That goes against your programing. Did you catch a virus?”

“Where ’ s the money?” I pressed.
    “See?” shouted the Democrat next door. “Follow the money, follow the money!” Others joined in the chant ing , too.
    With all the noise, I could hardly hear myself think. “Throw that fool to the newts!” I ordered.
    Tonelli and Williams dragged the protester outside. The others shut up. I returned my attention to the ATM, inserting my card. “Transfer Garcia ’ s ill-gotten assets to my card.”
    The ATM complied. “That is a lot of money. Don ’ t spend it in one place. Or are you sharing it with your friend?”
    “It ’ s not so much,” I argued , glancing at the receipt. Oh my . It seems I ’ m wrong on that one!
    “Who were Garcia ’ s conspirators?” asked Agent Smith.
    “Tony was with a human and a scorpion. They stayed back, out of range of my camera, but casino surveillance surely captured their images.”
    “What did you discuss besides money and fake IDs?”
    “Tony feared being tracked by elite Legion vampire commandos. He sought Lieutenant Columbus ’ s assistance to escape this world.”
    “Why Columbus?”
    “Probably because they are both Italian Mafia wise guys.”
    “Vampires in the