Free Lieutenant Columbus by Walter Knight

terrorists, or the Mafia.”
    “There is no such thing as the Mafia.”
    “That shows what you know. I am surrounded by incompetents!”
    “I have investigated Columbus ’ s rantings on the database,” advised the Military Intelligence officer, handing his communications pad to the commander. “Others are wondering about Columbus, too. Inquiring minds want to know.”
    “Fine! Abduct Columbus at the earliest opportunity. And kill that pervert camel!”
    Obeying orders, s tealth spider commandos paddled silently in the darkness in rubber boats toward Goose Shit Island. Once ashore, they prepared to swarm Lieutenant Columbus ’ s tent.
     
    * * * * *
     
    Lieutenant Columbus and Captain Percy made love into the evening. Afterward, they lay exhausted in his tent.
    “I love you , Chris,” whispered Percy. “As improbable as that may seem, we are meant for each other.”
    “Is that you or the wine talking?” asked Lieutenant Columbus.
    “It ’ s me talking to the wine . ” Captain Percy giggled . “Seriously , dear, I love you. I want to spend eternity with you, my love.”
    Silence followed more silence. Crickets could be heard chirping.
    “Say something!” she demanded.
    “You are not exactly what I would bring home to mother, but still, you please me,” replied Columbus, affectionately.
    “What is that suppose to mean?”
    “You make a great mistress.”
    “You bastard!” shouted Percy, striking Columbus in the chest with her fist. “Is that all I am to you, a booty call? Get out!”
    “What?”
    “Read my lipstick! Get out!”
    Lieutenant Columbus gathered his clothes and left the tent. It was his custom about midnight to stroll the beach anyway. He gazed up at the stars, old friends. The constellations were different from Old Earth, but just as beautiful.
    Geese at the tree line sounded the alarm. Lieutenant Columbus shimmied up a palm for a better view. Spider commandos swarmed his tent from all directions, seizing the lovely Priscilla. They bundled Priscilla in a web, her screams barely audible from inside her sleeping bag. A moment later, the spider marines were paddling back to base with their prisoner.
     
    * * * * *
     
    Lieutenant Columbus boated to camp, waking me from a sound sleep. “Sir, I am her e about Captain Percy!”
    “Are you drunk again?” I asked, upset about the late hour. “Fine! I ’ ve been meaning to talk to you about Percy ’ s report. She says you are delusional, and that you think you are the real Christopher Columbus. What do you have to say for yourself? ”
    “I shared with Priscilla my deepest thoughts,” complained Lieutenant Columbus , “ and s he betrayed my confidence ! ”
    “I know how you feel. She put a lot of nasty stuff in my personnel file, too. Don ’ t worry, I ’ ll make sure your file is purged if you straighten up.”
    “Thank you, sir.”
    “ Do you really think the world is flat?”
    “Sir, the world is flat. God told me himself.”
    “Have you been taking your medications?”
    “Yes, sir,” Columbus said .
    I glared at him, trying to decide whether he was lying. “Increase the dosage ; they ’ re not working.”
    I resumed checking paperwork left unattended , then looked up, remembering he ’ d said something about Percy being gone. “Where is Captain Percy? She is overdue filing her latest report.”
    “Captain Percy left by boat after our last interview. I do not think she is coming back.”
    “So , you ’ re cured? Outstanding! ” I thought for a second. “ Percy probably went back to New Phoenix. Good riddance.”
    “Yes, sir.”
     
    * * * * *
     
    The spider commander cut open the bundle, expecting to find Lieutenant Columbus. What he got was a very upset shrink.
    “Help! I ’ ve been abducted by aliens!”
    “What is this?” asked the spider commander, turning to a commando team leader. “This is not Columbus!”
    “Of course I am not Columbus , you fool! I am Captain Priscilla Percy of the United States