Free Enough by Briana Pacheco

what Zach said at school was true. Everyone in school thinks I’m a whore. Nobody wants me. I stayed friends with you but it kills me to see with other girls. I really like you but–”
    He l eaned closer to me and said, “Don’t think about that.”
    I sighed. It’s true. He’s with a lot of girls and none of them are me.
    “What do you want me to think about then?” Please tell me. Anyone. Because all I can think about is kissing him.
    “Me.” He said. What? Bryan hesitated but then leaned into me. “Think about us.” I felt his lips on mine a second later.
    This is really happening. OMG! This i s really happening.
    I need to feel alive again. After everything that happened to me…
    I need this. Right?
    I kissed him back.
    I want this. Is it wrong that I was just raped and I’m seeking comfort from my best friend…who happens to be a guy?
    He rested his body light ly on mine. I can’t believe this is happening. I thought he never thought of me like this before. I stayed friends with him because I thought he didn’t want to do anything more from there. All this time…or is he just saying it now? Because I’m vulnerable right now…I don’t care. I want this.
    We made out a little longer until I rolled him over so I was straddling his lap. He broke the kiss and said, “Emily, what are you doing? We are not going to–”
    I kissed his cheek, his chin, his neck , then I nibbled his earlobe. Yum.
    “Can’t we just do something irresponsible for a change?” I asked. He didn’t budge. I grinded my hips into his and still nothing. Then I kissed him on the lips. I felt his body jerk under me and he turned me over. That’s better. Bryan kissed me harder. He’s a good kisser…and he’s making me feel like me again.
    I felt for the end of his shirt and lifted it over his head. “We can wait. We don’t have to do this.” He said waiting for an answer. I didn’t like having him on top of me. It’s dark and it brought back the memories of the party, that night. I was raped. I shouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t care anymore. I pushed those memories aside and once again turned him over. I took off the sweater I was wearing and threw it somewhere on the floor.
    “I’m sure. You have a condom, right?” I asked. He reached over to his nightstand and opened a draw. I brought my lips back to his as he felt for the hem of my tank top. He lifted it over my head and rested his hands on my hips. I like the way this feels. It never felt like this with Zach.
    Bryan moved his hands up my sides and my heart started racing. He passed his hand over the cut and I winced. Shit, he felt me move. “You okay?” He asked.
    “ I’m fine.” I kissed him again, trying to forget about the cut. He ran his hand over it again and I winced once more.
    “What is that? Is that a band aid? Let me see that.” He pushed me onto the bed and I rolled onto my back as he got up.
    “God Bryan , it’s nothing.” I said annoyed. I got up and looked for my shirt. I found it on the bed. As I put it over my head, Bryan turned on the light.
    “ What the fuck, Em. How did that happen?” He asked walking up to me. “Emily, how did you get that?” I grabbed the sweater off the floor and put it on. He saw my wrists while in the process. “Ohmygod…Emily, tell me what the fuck happened to you.”
    “I don’t want to talk about it.” I grabbed my phone and walked out of his room. I can’t tell him. We were just about to have sex. Why did I do this? I should have never come here. You’re a whore.
    “Emily?” He grabbed my arm and I stopped but I didn’t turn around.
    “ Bryan, just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have come here. We shouldn’t have…I’m sorry. I gotta go.” I walked down the hallway and grabbed the front door handle.
    “Emily , you can talk to me. Was that Zach? Did he do that at the party?” He looked at me and his eyes widened. “Did Alex do that to you?”
    “No !