Free The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer by Jennifer Lynch Page B

this. But the Laura who loved him back, the young girl who so desperately hoped he would come after her, when the time was right, cannot come out to play. She is inside resting. Deep inside, cradled in the braver half. The one that finds this Bobby boy satisfying, yes, but not interesting beyond that. There is no strength in him... no challenge. I'll keep him with me, save him for her, when it is safe for her to come back. But these words of love are too real, too innocent. This boy, so young, is merely a messenger to the Laura that is living here now.
    I was forced to do something cruel. Something that would make him, perhaps, rethink the entire idea of Laura. He had to see her as something he never thought existed. I had to laugh at him. Hard. Laugh until his eyes lost their light. I had to shoot him down, couldn't let him be so appealing to the same young Laura that BOB wants. The one I'm sure he's waiting for. To save myself, I had to laugh in the face of a boy, who now may never be so honest again.
    I had to do it! Why does it hurt so badly to protect myself? Where was this love when I was on my knees begging for it? Dammit. I know I hurt him... I hope someday he will understand why. I would never crush someone the way I was crushed. Had I been the one laughed at, I don't know that I would ever stand as straight again-never approach someone with even the smallest compliment, because the memory of laughter would still ring in my ears.
    I am ashamed and confused again by the things that happen to me. Is this a trick that BOB is playing on me? Another test? Ruining my chance at love with the right boy, by forcing me to humiliate him, the way I have been and have now turned cold and bitter because of its scars? ... Will Bobby pick himself up and see that I did not mean it? Or have I been tricked into spoiling a romance I could have been protected by at least during the day?
    What does life want from me? What have I done, and what do I do now?! I only wanted to stop the pain, not to begin spreading it myself.
    I'm thinking... I'm thinking. Everything that had to be done has been done. If this is something BOB did, then it will only cause him an amazing victory if I show any regret... any... remorse. I cannot care. I must believe Bobby will come back, tail wagging. If he does not, I shall master the whistle he responds to. Let the boy earn my attention outside the barn lust, outside the kisses I give out only when I feel like it, never just because. I'll become a professional at not feeling anything.
    I'll find a way to do it. I can't give up. I don't even believe half the time that what I'm living is real. I am lost. Lost. But a stronger, more manipulating Laura is rearing her head, and opening herself to threats and games played only in the dark.
    When I find out who he is, I'll make him known to everyone!

    To a New Strength, Laura

August 3,1986
    Dear Diary,

    It is a little after ten P.M. on the evening of the disaster with Bobby Briggs. I am surprised to say that he phoned not fifteen minutes ago, and ... somehow, in a mass of words that were sounding more rehearsed than heartfelt, he apologized for being too quick to recite such oaths of love when maybe I didn't find that attractive in a boy. That maybe I wanted someone who had to be broken a bit, before it all came out. ... He told me he meant what he had said, but was wrong to say it so quickly.
    The whole thing sounded like it had been picked word for word out of the dictionary or thesaurus, and I couldn't help but wish for a moment that I was dead. Here he is apologizing for something I, and I'm certain girls everywhere, even outside of the Peaks, dream of hearing a boy say. He's chosen his words carefully, tried to prove he is still, hours after his orgasm, in love. Another miracle ... and what do I do? I am forced to keep silent on the phone, to stifle words of love, from my own heart, simply out of the fear that this is all part of a grand scheme to drive me, no