Free In the Rearview by Maria Ann Green

done it..." Haley paused her staccato statements for a deep breath.
    "You don't need to apologize," the ever-gentle leader interjected.
    "Oh sorry, okay."
    Meagan's heart beat in that moment for Haley. She could feel the pounding vulnerability and strength Haley was summoning for this bout of show and tell.
    Haley began to twist her fingers together while pausing once more.
    Meagan wondered if Haley was thinking through dozens of experiences, trying to pick one. She wondered if Haley was sifting out the worst and most depressing to seem less destructive, or if she was doing the opposite to seem the most extreme.
    Meagan waited poised, holding her breath to hear what Haley had to say next.
    "A couple weeks ago, I got into it with my dad. He yells. A lot. Actually, I think that’s why I started in the first place. I can’t take it when my dad yells at me. He says these mean things, and then afterward, I let them run over, and over, and over in my mind until I start to believe the harsh things he says ar e true. I start to think I’m just stupid, and worthless, and unfeeling, like he tells me so often. So I started cutting to deal with the way my dad makes me feel and to prove to myself that I can feel .
    â€œAnyway, he came home from work crabby and mad that day, and all afternoon he and my mother were arguing. I did my best to stay in my room, focusing on my homework. I even put music on for distraction.”
    Nods bounced around the room.
    â€œBut then it was dinnertime, and I had to interact with him. I tried to stay out of the conversation, but my dad just ticked me off, and I talked back to him. I was pretty snotty, but I just couldn’t keep my irritation inside. He started screaming about everything I've done wrong lately, and I just lost it. I started yelling right back. My face was hot, and I said things I definitely shouldn’t have, but it didn't make me feel any better.”
    Meagan wondered if Haley had ever told anyone about her cutting before. Was this the first time some of these girls would say the words out loud?
    â€œAfter dinner I took a shower, and I cut my leg. I watched the water turn pink around my feet, and I just stood there crying. I felt better afterward, but I cried a lot.” Haley flushed slightly.
    â€œI don't normally cry when I cut. I think that's why I picked that time to share. It stuck out in my memory. Anyway that's all." She finished with the last few words rushed, as if she was anxious to complete her story.
    Haley had kept her eyes glued to her hands during her entire speech, but as she finished, she peered up and around the room with a look Meagan guessed contained some pleading for understanding.
    "Thank you. That was incredibly brave."
    Brooke, sitting next to Haley, leaned over and hugged her. She reassured her, stating, "I've cried too."
    And Meagan surprised herself by whispering, "So have I."
    Brooke took it upon herself to go next, which cued everyone to share clockwise around the table. That put only Brooke and Ashley to go before Meagan.
    Meagan's heart beat faster as Brooke started.
    "My name is Brooke and I'm an... oops, wrong group."
    Laughs spread around the room, as the ladies caught on to the meaning of the joke.
    Meagan smiled broadly because, honestly, this wasn't usually a place for giggles, and the joke was unexpectedly welcome.
    Brooke began again after she had received the response she’d clearly hoped for. “To hurt myself, I don’t do much cutting. I have before, but usually I give myself bruises or burns on purpose instead. I have banged my wrists against the counters until they are black and blue.” Meagan tried to restrain herself, but she couldn’t help it as she let out a barely audible gasp.
    Thankfully, Meagan was able to hold back the lump in her throat from leading to anything else, and she managed to swallow it away. She had never heard of someone banging their wrists to inflict pain. It sounded so much