Free Youth Without God by Odon Von Horvath

yelling again for me to put the candle out. If he does it again, I’ll give him one to remember. I have already. He didn’t hit back. That fool R yelled out, just as if he’d caught it himself. I’m mad I didn’t make a date with that girl. I’d like to have seen her again and spoken to her. This morning, when the sergeant was taking our exercises, I could still feel her against me. I think of her the whole time. It’s only her tongue I don’t like. But she told me you grow into doing that—like speeding when you drive a car—I think it must be something like flying. But flying must be more marvellous still. It’s very solitary, I wish she were here. I don’t think I’d mind if she put her tongue in my mouth.
    Friday
.
    The day after to-morrow we’re going to shoot. At last. This afternoon, had a scrap with N. I’ll finishhim. R got some of it too. What does the idiot want to stand in the way for? But what’s all that to me? I just think of her all the time, more and more. Last night she came. Just like that, when I was on sentry duty. I was rather scared at first, then I felt fine and was ashamed of being scared. Thank the Lord she didn’t see I was. She smelled of a wonderful perfume. When I asked her how she got it, she said she’d got it in the town, at the chemist’s. I said it must have been jolly dear. Oh, no, she said, it didn’t cost her anything. Then she put her arms round me again. She asked me, What now. I said we’d make love. Should we often, she asked. Yes, I said. Did I think she was a bad girl? No, how could she say that. Because she’d come to me at night. No girl’s a saint, I told her. Then suddenly I saw a tear on her cheek, the moon was shining on her face. I asked her why she was crying. She said because everything looked so gloomy. How did she mean? Then she asked me if I’d love her if she were a lost soul. She said she’d got no parents. When she was twelve she’d got a job as a maid, but the master was always running after her. She’d tried to keep to herself. Then she’d stolen some money to run away, because her mistress was always boxing her ears because of her husband—then she was put in an institution but she escaped and now she lived in a cave and meant to steal everything she could. Four chaps from the town, who’d got tired of painting dolls, were with her, but she was the eldest and the leader. But I wasn’t to tell anybody she was one of them, for then she’d have to go back to the reformatory. She quite upset me and I suddenly feltshe must have a soul. I told her so. She said yes, she was sure, too, that she had a soul. But I mustn’t give her away if while she was with me anything disappeared from the camp. I told her I’d never give her away, we belonged to each other. It’s only me you mustn’t steal from, I said. Then we had to part, as I should soon be relieved. To-morrow we’re meeting again. I know her name now. Eve.
    Saturday
.
    Great commotion to-day. L’s had his camera stolen. What’s the odds? His father’s got three factories, poor Eve’s got to live in a cave. What’ll she do when it’s winter? There’s N yelling about the light again. I’ll kill him.
    I can scarcely wait for the night she comes. I’d like to live in a tent with her, but no camp, all alone. Nobody but her. I’m sick of the camp. Sick of it.
    I’ll always be ready for you, Eve, waiting! They shan’t put you back in any reformatory, I swear it. I’ll defend you always.
    There’s N again—he’s going to smash up my box to-morrow, just let him try it once. I keep my deepest secrets in it, they’re for me alone. Whoever touches my box shall die.

18. CONDEMNED
    “WHOEVER TOUCHES MY BOX SHALL DIE.”
    I read this last phrase again and I had to smile. Just like boys.
    I was reflecting on what I’d read, but my reflections didn’t have time to amount to very much. I heard the bugle from the fringe of the wood. The regiment was nearly home: I must hurry. I