Free Dare to Breathe by M. Homer Page A

microwave. I glance over to the bedroom door which remains ominously shut. She sees me looking at my closed door and lifts her eyes but as usual, says nothing for which I love her.
    “Um…actually we are all going home,” she tells me after a bit.
    I mouth an ‘ohh’ but don’t say any more. I feel upset that no one has mentioned their holiday to me, even though I am going home myself. I feel kind of left out.
    “It’s not that we didn’t want you to join us,” she jumps in, “it’s just that…well we have something we all need to do this time of year. It’s not really much fun.” I am surprised at her words. I realize I really do need to protect my emotions around her!
    “Is there something you aren’t telling me?” I ask her gently.
    “What? Like you not telling us what’s going on in your pretty head?”
    I am flabbergasted. Other than Nathan, I thought no one had any idea what was going on. She sees me glance again at my door and softens her voice.
    “Nathan hasn’t told me anything, Sam,” she says, “but I do have my own ears you know.”
    I feel tears tease the corners of my eyes. I take a deep breath and look up. “Guess we all get to keep our own secrets for now,” I say sadly, getting up.
    “Sam, wait!” she says as I walk straight out the kitchen and up the stairs to the bathroom. I lock the door and lean back on it. The tears start to fall as I realize my life is spiraling out of control. I am so wrapped up in my own sorrows I don’t hear a gentle knock on the door until a voice shouts through it.
    “Sam? Open the damn door,” Nathan rasps. I hesitate then push myself off the door and let him in. He walks in and shuts the door behind him. He is slightly pale and his clothes from the night before are all wrinkled. His hair is still ruffled and actually he smells pretty bad, but my heart skips at the sight of him.
    “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
    “Nothing,” I reply, “except all of you have something going on you don’t want me to know about and at the same time, I am so screwed up in my own head I can’t sleep one fucking night in peace!”
    I place my hands over my eyes and drop to the floor, feeling more hot tears sliding down my face.
    He drops down next to me. “I want to tell you. I need to tell you but right now, you need to get better first. You don’t need our shit on your shoulders too.”
    I look up at him. “Nathan, I don’t know how to ‘fix’ me,” I cry.
    “I really, really want to hold you right now but I am scared if I do, you will kick my ass or something,” he says with his hands outstretched.
    I see the affection and care in his eyes and decide to take a chance.
    “If I freak out, just let me go, okay?” I ask.
    He nods and I let myself be really hugged, for the first time. His gentle hands come round my back and pull me towards his chest. I stop breathing for just a second but then I smell his awesome, familiar, smoothing smell, the scent that is only Nathan, and I relax. I can’t hug him back, not yet, but I feel his grip tighten as I relax into him.
    We sit together for what feels like hours and I slowly feel my heart start to beat normally again. This feels really good and I know that perhaps, somewhere down the line, I might have a chance of normality.
    I sense him starting to feel uncomfortable and I know I need to break this embrace.
    “Hey you know you smell pretty bad, you know that right?” I ask trying to break the tension.
    He pulls me away from me and gives me a funny smirk. “I was a dick last night, wasn’t I?”
    “No, actually you were kind of cute—much better than when you are sober.” I giggle.
    “Did you just giggle at me?” he asks with his smile getting wider.
    “Well, you know, with all that ‘you’re so soft, I like touching you’,” I joke, “you were a real smooth talker.”
    He starts running his hands up and down my arm, “Well, you are soft…”
    I slap his arm away laughing but Nathan’s