Free Purpose by Kristie Cook

purse.
    What is wrong with me? Insane
impulses were taking over my life. I’d been bad before, really bad, but never like this. The messed-up dreams…the
anger and irritability…the impulses…the physical urges…the
hallucinations…the voices…and now the fake video. Everything
crashed down on me at once. I considered again that I was finally
losing it. Mom must have thought the same thing.
    “Maybe you need some time away,” she said
when I returned. “A change of scenery…”
    “And where do you suggest I go?” I snarled.
“The demons are inside my head, Mom. I can’t get away from
them.”
    She cringed. The words had come out of my
mouth before I even knew what I said.
    “Actually, that’s what concerns me,” she
said, shocking me.
    Then I realized the truth of her meaning. I
instantly became irate, with an overwhelming urge to throw it all
in her face—letting her know exactly what she’d produced with her
little romp in the sack with the evil sperm donor. Her intentions
may have been to save him, but she lost him…and now she might
possibly be losing me.
    “Oh, are you afraid the Daemoni inside of me
is finally coming out?” I sneered. “Maybe your little miracle isn’t
so good after all.”
    “Alexis!”
    “What does it matter anyway? They’ve totally
mind-fucked us! The Daemoni…even the Amadis! They just use us! And
now look. They’ve destroyed us instead! Him. Me. We’re useless .”
    “Alexis Katerina! You really need to
get yourself under control. I will not talk to you until you become
rational.”
    I burst into laughter.
    “Rational?” I asked between chortles. “That’s
a good one, Mom!”
    She narrowed her eyes, turned on her heel and
stomped away. The urge to run—run away from it all—came over me. So
I did. I threw on my new clothes and shoes and ran for miles. I
didn’t know how my body survived. Just a few days ago it was a lump
of old, tired lard that hadn’t moved more than necessary from bed
to chair to bed again. Now, on such little sleep and no food—I
couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten—it felt strong and wired
with energy.
    But I couldn’t run far enough. I couldn’t run
far enough away from my shitty life. I couldn’t run far enough to
get to Tristan…to know for sure.
    As I ran, I decided Mom was right. I just
needed to get away for a while. Really be by myself and try to
straighten my head out. Like so many irrational ideas, this one
made perfect sense right now. I ran home, showered and packed.
    “What are you doing?” Mom asked from my
bedroom doorway.
    “Packing. I’m going away, like you said.”
    “That’s not exactly what I meant….”
    “Well, that’s what I’m doing. I do need time away.”
    She came in and sat on my bed, watching me as
I purposefully moved between closet, bathroom and bed, where my
suitcase lay open.
    “Where are you going?” she finally asked.
    “I don’t know. I’ll call you when I get
there.” I dumped an armful of clothes into the suitcase.
    “Alexis…”
    I stopped and looked at her. “Just take care
of Dorian for me, please.”
    “Of course. But I really don’t think you
should be alone right now, especially after seeing—”
    “That’s exactly why—” I cut myself off. I
realized the video caused this pull to leave, creating a more
intense need than ever to feel his physical presence. But she
wouldn’t understand, or, if she did, she’d never let me go. Not
that I’d really be alone anyway. She’d never allow it. I took a
different direction with her. “I think being alone is exactly what
I need. I haven’t been alone for…for ever . I’ve felt alone. But there’s always been someone nearby, keeping me from
completely letting it all out. Maybe being alone and facing these
demons by myself…getting it all out once and for all…is what I
need. I don’t know. I just know I need to go .”
    I didn’t wait for her response. Nothing she
said would stop me. Well, nothing would