Free Irises by Francisco X. Stork Page B

For the first time, she wished that she and Simon could talk to each other freely. They would talk about Mother, about how important i t was to go to the best school she could get into, about all th e things they each dreamed of for their lives. She wondered if Simon was capable of this type of communication. Another time, she might have tried. But she was too tired to do s o now .
    And there was also this strange feeling she suddenly had toward Mary — a sense of regret. She wasn’t sure whether the regret came from disclosing too much, or from not telling her about Stanford, or from what she had discovered about herself as she talked with Mary. Was something wrong with her because she didn’t feel passion for Simon? Why couldn’t she feel the kind of feelings Mary felt toward painting? Mary was wrong when she said that Kate’s desire to be a doctor was love. Love had a softness and a receptiveness to it. Her desire to be a doctor was strong, willful. It would not bend.
    It was all very strange. Kate had never been the type to dwell on how or what she felt, and here she was wondering about things like love. She longed for the insurance money to come, for the acceptance letter from Stanford to arrive. She wanted to clearly and definitively say yes or no to Simon, to make decisions, to have a plan and go for it. The problem was that nothing was settled and everything was in the air. Sh e’d get back to being herself when all the pieces stopped moving.
    Kate wanted to ask Bonnie for advice about Simon’s proposal, but she knew that if she did this, the news would be all over school in a flash, and Simon would be hurt. It was one thing to be turned down privately and another for the world to know. So as much as she wanted to talk about it, she didn’t tell Bonnie.
    â€œYou know what you need?” Bonnie said to her one day after school. She was giving Kate a ride to her job at the Red Sombrero.
    â€œWhat?” Kate turned down the radio.
    â€œYou need to go shopping.”
    â€œYeah, right.” Kate chuckled to herself. She could just see herself spending a ton of money on new clothes.
    â€œI’m serious. I know your dad died and everything, but you got to keep on living, and you can’t go on living the way yo u live d when he was alive. You need to catch up with the times, girl.” Bonnie took one of her hands from the steering wheel and poked Kate in the thigh. “We need to get you some decent clothes. You have a great body. You need to show it.”
    â€œMaybe,” Kate said.
    â€œWhat do you say we go this Saturday? I can pick you up and we’ll go to the mall and hit every store. It will be soooo much fun. I’d love to upgrade and accessorize you. You’ll be transformed, like Cinderella.”
    Kate laughed. How good it felt to laugh. “Am I that bad?”
    A car full of boys pulled up next to them and started making catcalls. Bonnie flipped them the finger. “Idiots,” she said. She sped away. “You’re not bad bad. You’re just, I don’t know, frumpy.”
    â€œFrumpy? Oh, great.”
    â€œYou know what I mean. It’s not your fault. That’s just how it is at your house . . . was.”
    â€œIt was Father,” Kate said, immediately regretting it.
    â€œThat’s the way he was. What he believed and all.” Bonnie hesitated. “I always thought you had problems with all that strict stuff.”
    â€œI thought I did too.” The car was making a right turn and Kate could hear the tick of the signal blinker. She knew Bonnie wanted her to say more.
    â€œYou don’t anymore?” Bonnie’s look was full of curiosity. “I’m sorry if I offended you. I always thought . . .”
    â€œDon’t be silly. You didn’t offend me,” Kate said quickly. “Of course I didn’t agree with him. My father had good intentions and I loved him, but we didn’t need to