Free Irises by Francisco X. Stork

something I have to do rather than something I want to do. I don’t enjoy it anymore.”
    â€œLike what I feel for Simon,” Kate said thoughtfully.
    â€œBut you want to be a doctor, and that’s a kind of love also.” Mary wanted to change the subject.
    Kate shook her head. Then she said, “You want to know why Simon’s proposal made me sad?”
    â€œWhy?”
    â€œI think Simon loves me. He’s attracted to me and wants to take care of me and I don’t doubt that he’d be by my side forever. That’s just the way he is. I knew all that back when we first started dating, but I’ve never felt the way he does. Today I felt like I used him and strung him along because having a boyfriend meant I could get out of the house and do things that Father wouldn’t let me do otherwise.”
    Mary wondered if Kate and Simon had ever made love. She didn’t think it was right to make love to someone before marriage, and she couldn’t imagine Kate making love to Simon, after what she had just said, but she wanted to ask, even if it was none of her business. “Kate . . .” Mary started to say.
    Kate seemed to have read her mind. “Today he complained — I guess you can call it complaining — about not being intimate, you know, physical. We’ve never made love because I never felt that kind of love for him.” Mary felt relieved. “It’s a mess,” Kate continued. “I don’t know what I’ve been doing or what I’m going to do. Do I love Simon enough to marry him and hope the rest comes later? Is what we have a form of love? If it is, then isn’t marrying him the best thing? The ‘best for all,’ as he put it? And even if it isn’t love, there’s no doubt that marrying him is the best thing for all of us . . . in a way. We’d be taken care of.”
    â€œYou need to stick with your plan,” Mary said, trying to sound comforting. “You need to go to UTEP and be a doctor. With the one hundred thousand dollars from the insurance, we can get Talita or someone to take care of Mama while I’m in school. I don’t see anything wrong with you going out with Simon these past two years. It wasn’t like you led him on. You never made any promises or told him things you didn’t feel, did you? He knows about your plans?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œWhat does he say about you going to UTEP?”
    There was silence.
    â€œKate, are you all right? What’s the matter?”
    â€œNothing, I was just thinking. About . . . UTEP.”
    â€œWhat?”
    â€œNothing. I need to go to sleep now, Mary. It’s been a l ong day .”
    â€œIs there something you want to tell me? Tell me.”
    â€œNo, there’s nothing else. Good night.”
    Mary paused, took a deep breath. “Okay. Good night.”
    Mary shifted in the bed and lay her head on the pillow. Why did Kate pull back all of a sudden? It had happened so many times. Just as they began to get close, Kate retreated. It was as if Kate was afraid to be her sister, the way sisters are meant to be. Mary raised her hand and touched her cheek. She remembered the time in their backyard when Kate had dabbed her face with paint.

 
    K ate lay awake, thinking about Mary’s questions. Did she love Simon? How would she ever know? What did it feel like to love someone? What should she do about college, about marriage, about Mary?
    She hugged herself, wishing it was Mother’s arms around her. I need you , she said softly to herself.
    Kate stayed home from school the following morning and filled out the paperwork for the insurance company. When she studied the insurance policy, she was surprised to see th at sh e was listed as the sole beneficiary. Her father had taken out the policy ten years before, so it was strange but fortunate that he had not listed Mother as well, because there might have been problems collecting