Free Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons by Shelly Mazzanoble Page B

took. Boy, you must love quizzes, huh? So does your deity, Ioun . Anything that engages your brain and provides a little insight into the inner workings of that giant brain of yours just makes you warm and tingly. That’s all. Carry on with your little hobbies now.
    Mostly E’s:
    Two, four, six, eight, who do you contemplate? Kord, Kord, Kord! That is when you’re not painting your face in your team’s colors or training for your next Iron-whatever competition. So wave that foam finger up in the air and eschew those weaklings you leave in your wake! And I really hope you’re happy with these results because I don’t want you to take your aggro frustration out on me. (Even though Kord might want you to.)

me:   I’m not planning on outing anyone’s lewd behavior, but I do plan on giving out ringing endorsements. At least for Jodi.
    judy: Jodi is single? Oh, good! I have a great book for her!
    me:   No! Leave her alone. She’s
my
project!
    judy: Why is she single, anyway? She’s so sweet and nice, I can’t believe she’d even need your help in that department.
    me:   Well, she didn’t exactly
ask
for it. I’m just kind of doing it. My matchmaking services are like those obnoxious, out-of-the blue offers from Dish Network. Anyone with a TV is eligible.
    judy: Just be careful. Some people might not take well to you butting in and taking over.
    me:   Oh, that’s rich! Are you the pot or the kettle?
    judy: Very funny. What’s Jodi’s e-mail address? Really. If she
Acts Like a Lady But Thinks Like a Man
 …
    me:   I said no! I have it under control. Besides, Jodi is too nice to tell you where you can stick your advice books.
    judy: No offense, but you’re not exactly an expert on relationships. How long did it take for you and Bart to finally realize you were more than best friends?
    me:   Six years. And I think even your pal Oprah would agree that some of the best relationships start with that foundation.
    judy:
Humpf.
My grandkids could be going to kindergarten now if you were a bit more perceptive.
    me:   Or you and I could be bitter enemies because your incessant procreation badgering put me over the edge. Finally.
    judy: I doubt it. I’ve been badgering you for years. You won’t budge. Tell Jodi to try online dating. I just saw the commercial that says one out of five couples meet online. And I know just the book to help her write a profile. They were just talking about it on TV. Oh, what show was that—
    me:   I’m not putting her online.
    judy: There are apparently key words that men subconsciously gravitate to and ones that instantly repel them.
    me:   If only there were words that would instantly repel mothers. But don’t worry. It’s covered.
    judy: Why? Are you giving her that bottle of human sex pheromones I ordered for you from the Philippines?
    me:   No.
    judy: The glitter love dust from New Orleans?
    me:   No.
    judy: The rose quartz from the psychic I met in the Bahamas?
    me:   No.
    judy: What could possibly be more powerful than a psychically charged piece of rose quartz; the pheromones from the most attractive, fertile Filipino women; and good old-fashioned voodoo?
    me:   A set of pink dice; a bodacious, bad-ass barbaric alter ego; and some good old-fashioned role-playing.
    judy: No! You’re a terrible friend! Jodi doesn’t even play D&D.
    me:   Minor hurdle. She’s just going to look the part. The rest will fall into place.
    Judy: I still think the book I heard about would be better. The author is a renowned couple’s therapist. She knows what works! Come on, what show was that—
    me:   What’s the difference between
your
books and my D&D books?
    judy: My books are written by experts. The authors are world authorities on relationships and psychology. They