Free Alice by Laura Wade Page A

thought the world owed you something, as if it was
your particular entitlement to live a life free from suffering, and why can’t things just be nice and why doesn’t anyone come and rescue me when they know perfectly well I’m stuck
here and can’t get down!
    ALICE: But that’s a huge amount of things for one word to mean, that’s too much.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: When I say a word it means exactly what I choose it to mean. I am very very good with words. There isn’t a word in the world that I
don’t know the meaning of.
    ALICE realises something .
    ALICE: Oh. You’re a word person !
    She reaches into her pocket and pulls out Jabberwocky again .
    So maybe you could interpret this –
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: THE BELL IS FOR ME NOT FOR YOU!
    ALICE: What bell?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: You – you’re in detention. Stay behind.
    ALICE: Um. Right, OK. OK, can I ask you about these words I don’t understand –
    HUMPTY switches into a much more understanding tone .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Now, what’s going on here, eh? You can talk to me, you know. I’m not an ogre.
    ALICE: No, of course. Thank you. I wanted to ask you –
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Anything you’d like to tell me about? Someone bullying you?
    It’s OK to tell someone, you know – if you tell someone we can do something about it. Everything alright at home?
    ALICE: What?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: I’m just wondering what’s making you behave like this. What d’you think the King would say if he knew?
    ALICE: The King?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: I’m very good friends with the King. Do you know he told me if I was ever in trouble he’d send all of his horses and all of
his men?
    ALICE: Oh. Right. I’m supposed to know who you are.
    I mean gosh, lucky me – to be standing talking to the real Humpty Dumpty.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Oh you knew who I was, did you, when you saw me?
    ALICE: You’re famous. I’m sorry, I didn’t like to say at first. I was a bit shy. Not everybody gets to have a poem explained to them by
the real –
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Yes, I can see it would be probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to you.
    ALICE: The King must be very honoured to know someone as clever as you. I bet he comes and talks to you all the time.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Um, yes, well. He’s a very busy man.
    But he did give me this.
    He shows ALICE his special blackboard pointer .
    He gave it to me for an unbirthday present.
    ALICE: Um, what’s an unbirthday present?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: An unbirthday present is a present given when it’s not your birthday. Unbirthdays are much better than birthdays. Do you know
why?
    ALICE: Um, no.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: How many days are there in a year?
    ALICE: Um. Three hundred and sixty five. And a quarter.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: And how many birthdays do you have in a year?
    ALICE: One.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: So if you take one from three hundred and sixty five,
    ALICE: And a quarter.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Don’t get clever. If you take one from three hundred and sixty five and a quarter, what do you get?
    ALICE: Three hundred and sixty four. And a quarter.
    HUMPTY frowns .
    Shall I write it down and hand it in?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: You know, with the amount of paperwork I have to do it’s a wonder I have time to teach anything at all.
    ALICE: OK, can you tell me what this poem means?
    She takes Jabberwocky from her pocket .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Ah. Poetry. My special pigeon.
    Read me the first verse.
    ALICE: OK.
    (Reads.)
    ‘Twas Brillig and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe...
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: What words in particular are troubling you?
    ALICE: Most of them. I don’t know what brillig means.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Brillig is four o’clock in the afternoon – when you begin broiling things for supper.
    ALICE: OK. That doesn’t make very much sense, but –
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Carry on.
    ALICE: Slithy?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Slithy . That means lithe and slimy. What we call a portmanteau word – two words in one, two meanings packed in the same