Free Alice by Laura Wade

you bloody want me to do?
    I’ve played the stupid game, I’ve done the Heart thing – it’s not a place, I’ve tried that, and it’s not a person I mean I’m running
out of options here, I’m struggling for any kind of idea at all. I’ve tried to talk to all these mental people but d’you know what? They’re all mental ! Nobody’s
given me anything that’s even remotely useful – what, a stupid piece-of-nonsense poem and I’m supposed to go ‘oh yeah, eureka, I know exactly what to do now’.
    ALICE hears a voice from another world .
    MUM: Has anyone seen Alice?
    ALICE: Mum?
    DAD: We can’t find her anywhere.
    ALICE: I’m here!
    DAD: Have you checked the attic?
    ALICE: The attic’s Joe’s room, I can’t go in there.
    MUM: I don’t know, I can’t go in there.
    DAD: She’s probably just hiding somewhere.
    MUM: Maybe she’s gone out.
    DAD: She’s not been out in two weeks.
    ALICE: Mummy? Can you come and get me? I’ve got nothing left.
    I don’t know how to get home, mum. I’ve got nothing.
    ALICE feels in her pockets and pulls out Jabberwocky .
    I mean yeah, I’ve got this stupid poem , but –
    She looks at the poem .
    This is literally the last thing I’ve got.
    Twas brillig and the – What, is this code, or an anagram, or –
    Brillig. I mean what does brillig mean? I’m stuck on the second word. What’s the point in even trying?
    ALICE screws up the piece of paper and sits on the floor, her head in her hands .
    A voice calls from the cupboard .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Hey you! You at the back!
    ALICE: What?
    ALICE looks up, hastily wiping her eyes and stuffing the piece of paper back into her pocket .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY appears out of the cupboard, sitting at a very high school desk .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: What are you doing there?
    ALICE: Me? Nothing. I’m not doing anything.
    ALICE stands up and turns to face him .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: That’s hardly true, is it? You’re standing, aren’t you? You’re looking. You’re breathing . I’d
say you were doing rather a lot.
    ALICE doesn’t say anything .
    Don’t answer back! It’s your own time you’re wasting, you know.
    How old did you say you were?
    ALICE: I’m twelve.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Wrong! You never said anything of the sort.
    ALICE: What?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Try to stay awake.
    ALICE: I thought you meant ‘how old are you’?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: If I’d meant that, I’d have said it, wouldn’t I?
    Twelve, you say.
    ALICE: Twelve and three weeks.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: An uncomfortable sort of age. If you’d asked my advice, I’d have said ‘leave off at eleven’, but it’s too
late now.
    ALICE: What d’you mean, ‘leave off’?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Put up your hand if you want to say something.
    ALICE puts her hand up .
    ALICE: What d’you mean, ‘leave off’?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Stop. Stop growing.
    ALICE: You can’t stop growing.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: ‘ One ’ can’t stop growing. Speak properly.
    ALICE: OK, one can’t stop growing.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: One can’t, but two can. With proper assistance you might have left off at eleven.
    ALICE turns away .
    It’s all a choice, you know. Young people today – you’re all about feelings – oh dear poor me, I’ve got a terrible life I’m very upset. Try
being stuck up here talking to reprobates like you, then you’d know what upset is!
    ALICE: (Under her breath.) Get down then.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: I beg your pardon?
    ALICE: Nothing.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
    ALICE: I said if you don’t like it, why don’t you get down?
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: If you don’t like it, why don’t you buck your ideas up? Hmm? What have you got to say to that, Little Miss
Backchat?
    ALICE: I don’t know what you mean by ‘buck your ideas up’.
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Flummery – pure flummery.
    ALICE shakes her head, confused .
    What?
    ALICE: I don’t know what ‘flummery’ is.
    HUMPTY ’s voice rises to a shriek as he speaks .
    HUMPTY DUMPTY: Flummery is that way you have of standing there with your nose in the air as if you