Free Not Looking For Love: Episode 5 by Lena Bourne

really should thank her too for bringing me home, but I can't find my voice. My smile doesn't transfer to her face and then Phillipa is closing the door, turning me around, her eyes boring into mine.
    "What's wrong, Gail? Are you sick?"  
    I shake my head, trying to wriggle free of her grasp. "Talk to me, or I'm taking you to the hospital."
    "I'm fine," I mutter, but the lie sticks in my throat, and the voice that speaks it isn't really my own.  
    "What happened, Gail?" she asks.  
    I shake my head. I can't say it. Saying it will make it true and it's not true, it's just a nightmare and I'll wake from it real soon. I pinch the back of my forearm hard, my nails bending from the pressure but I don't feel a thing. That's how I know this is all just a sick dream, because I've been pinching myself all day and I felt nothing each time.
    Up in my room, Phillipa is undressing me, and I giggle, pushing her away. This is a strange kind of dream now, because I don't like Phillipa that way, and she knows it. She stands by the door and lets me change on my own after that. I choose Scott's sweatshirt to wear, because this is why I have it, so he can be here even when he's not.
    Phillipa cradles my head in her arms, lying beside me in her jeans.
    "Do you want me to call your father, Gail?" she asks and I shake my head so hard I loosen her grip. My dad has enough on his mind and I'm fine, I'm just fine. I can hear nothing, I feel nothing, and this is just a dream I'll wake up from very soon.
    "We studied about this last semester," Phillipa is saying. "Disassociation is not uncommon when dealing with grief. But you will be fine, Gail, you're strong, you will get through this. You just need to rest."
    Her voice is soothing, her body soft and warm beside me.

    I don't wake up from the weird dream until Friday morning. I know because I'm lying in a hospital bed, and Dad's reading the paper beside me, the date plastered across the front page.
    My hand stings as I lift it to scratch my head, a thick IV line dangling from it.
    "Gail, you're awake!" Dad says and leaps from his chair, the newspaper flowing to the ground at his feet. "What happened to you?"
    His eyes are redder than I've ever seen them, the bags under them darker than tar.  
    "I don't know," I mutter, which is the truth. I remember none of this whole week. "I think I caught a cold or something."
    He shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes. "You scared me so much, Gail. And after the way we argued…"
    His voice breaks, and I'm reaching for his hand, and then he's clasping mine, his other hand stroking my hair, tears running down his cheeks. His sweater is all rumpled up, his white shirt sticking out at the bottom.
    "Can you get the nurse? I want to go home," I mutter and he nods, leaving me alone.
    Had he been here all week, sitting by my bed, the way he used to sit with mom? The mere idea of that pain is unbearable, makes my throat clench until I can't breathe.
    "We'd like to keep her here for at least a few more days," the doctor says later. "She needs a psych consultation."
    "There's nothing wrong with me," I say, though probably it is. But that's nothing new. "I was just over tired and I caught a cold. I'm feeling much better now."
    "Her mother passed away in September," Dad mutters, looking down at the floor.
    The mention of Mom wrings fresh tears from my already overflowing chest. But I don't cry and I don't even whimper. Because then they'll just see how insane I really am and lock me up for good.
    The doctor's looking at my chart, not meeting mine or Dad's eyes.  
    "There's procedures," he finally mutters.  
    "I'm fine, I really am," I say, throwing my blanket off. "I just overexerted myself."
    After a few more minutes of convincing the doctor finally caves and then I'm standing on the sidewalk, the snow coming up to my knees on both sides of the path that leads to the hospital door.
    "Come on, I'm taking you home for the weekend," Dad says and wraps his arm around my