Free Facial by Jeff Strand Page A

not going to get into the whole thing right now.”
    “Let’s sit down,” I said, hoping that if we were both seated, neither of us would entertain thoughts about pushing the other down the stairs.
    We sat down on the steps.
    “First, I want to make it clear that I’m not going to try to hit on you,” said Carlton. “Greg was my brother and I loved him dearly, so I would never betray him that way, and also, you’re a fresh widow and, I assume, not looking to hook up anyway, right?”
    “Right.”
    To his credit, Carlton did not seem disappointed. “Anyway, that’s the big secret. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t see why I should get all mopey, either.”
    “It’s okay,” I told him. “I understand.”
    “Really?”
    I nodded. “If Greg had tried to explain it on the drive over here, I guess maybe I would have thought it was a messed-up idea, but being here, there’s this…I don’t know. I’m not opposed to it.”
    “Well, that’s awesome. Because I do need a new partner.”
    “I’ll have to think about it. I might go solo.”
    “That is an excellent idea,” said the faces. “A most excellent idea indeed.”
    “I haven’t decided for sure,” I explained. “I don’t want to rush into anything quite yet.”
    “Fair enough.”
    Speaking to the faces was a lot less freaky than I would have expected. I’m not saying that it was like chatting with my mom, but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as the pillow talk right after my first back-door experience.
    “How does it work?” I asked. “A new face for every murder?”
    “No,” said Carlton. “I haven’t killed anywhere near this many people. I only killed three without Greg.”
    “You told him it was one.”
    Carlton was silent for a moment.
    “That may have been a fib,” he admitted.
    “It’s all right.”
    Carlton sighed. “Also, I was fibbing about the three. It was five. One of them was a nun. I went out of my way specifically to kill a nun. I’m less proud of that than anything else I’ve done recently. And it would have been impractical to sneak her out of there, so I left her dead body behind. I didn’t even feed her to the faces.” He glanced down at the faces. “Sorry.”
    “We already knew of this,” said the faces. “We know all.”
    Carlton looked back at me. “They keep saying they know all, but I think they’re exaggerating. They do know a lot, though. I’m not trying to take anything away from them.”
    “Why are there more faces than corpses?” I asked the faces.
    “You count incorrectly.”
    Carlton started pointing to the faces, one at a time, whispering his count.
    “You count the corpses incorrectly,” said the faces, sounding much less annoyed than I would.
    “I don’t get it.”
    “You are not the only provider. My influence expands.”
    “Do you think that’s bad?” I asked Carlton.
    He shrugged. “Not really. I’ve never been the jealous type.”

 
     
     
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    Honestly, I didn’t feel bad about ripping out my father’s throat with my teeth. I did, however, feel stupid about doing it while he was doing seventy miles per hour on the freeway. Timing is everything, I guess.
    * * *
    I buried my face in my hands and silently wept.
    “I’m sorry,” said Dan. “I’m really, really sorry.”
    “I just try so hard to make you happy. That’s all I care about. I quit my job to raise the children and give you the family you always wanted. I always try to look my best for you. I do nice things for you all the time. How could you say that to me?”
    “I’m so sorry,” said Dan, lifting the mug to his mouth. “I didn’t mean it when I said that your coffee smelled like rat poison. Here, I’m drinking it now. Mmmmmm. Good.”
    * * *
    “Are you sure we don’t own an anvil?” I asked.
    “Of course I’m sure,” said Mom. “Why would we own an anvil?”
    “Never mind. I need to hurry before she moves.” I looked around my room and picked up my