Free Facial by Jeff Strand

why I didn’t. After all, the pain was significant and I wanted relief.
    “Why?” I bellowed in what I hoped was the direction of Carlton and/or Felicia. “Why?”
    “It is the will of the faces,” said Carlton. “It must be done.”
    An arm bone cracked.
    “Please, master!” I shouted to the faces. “I’ve served you well! Why must you…actually, I’m sure you know what’s best. You wouldn’t be biting off my arm without a good reason. I withdraw my question.”
    The mouth bit off my arm. I said, “Aaah!”
    I continued to crawl, as more mouths took bites out of me. I would not wish this agony on anyone, except maybe Carlton for pushing me down the stairs, but I figured I’d get over it. It did kind of hurt my feelings that Felicia wasn’t making any attempt to assist me. Though I didn’t expect her to put herself at risk of getting devoured by creepy basement faces, she could at least have provided lip service and said, “I’ll be right there!” I had no eyes; I wouldn’t know if she was telling the truth.
    Speaking of my eyes, the sockets still hadn’t stopped bleeding. I was starting to feel kind of woozy in addition to the excruciating pain. I regretted my earlier decision and wished that I could shove my eyeballs back into their sockets, but of course that was silly, since I’d discarded them immediately after their removal.
    “Your death will not be in vain,” said Carlton.
    “Not to rub salt in his countless open wounds,” said the faces, “but in the interest of total honesty, when you told him that his death would not be in vain, you were incorrect.”
    “I thought it was a sacrifice?”
    “No. I don’t need sacrifices. Just food. Just heads.”
    And then one of the faces ate mine.

 
     
     
    14
     
    Greg Again
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Hi. I apologize for not handing this over the way I was supposed to, but I feel like my last sentence downplayed the ghastly nature of what happened to me. I didn’t wish to imply that my head was gulped down in one bite. It took dozens of bites, as I dragged my ravaged body across the floor, the amount of flesh attached to my frame decreasing with every second. Soon I had no arms left to drag myself with, so I rolled, which seemed like it was working until I rolled onto my side and jostled one of my ribs that no longer had any cushion, and the pain became so unbearable that I just lay there, weeping, waiting for it all to end, longing for the joyful time of ages ago when I wasn’t being eaten.
    It took a long time for the teeth to crack my skull. I believe I was being savored, but I don’t know for sure. That could just be me being prideful.
    Eventually, though, one of the faces really did eat my head. I don’t need to describe how that felt; you can probably figure it out.
    Anyway, I wanted to make it clear that my death was outrageously miserable.

 
     
     
    15
     
    Felicia
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    “So,” said Carlton. “That just happened.”
    “What the hell is going on here?” I asked. I was having difficulty sorting through my emotions. I wasn’t happy that Carlton and I had stood there for twenty minutes watching my husband get devoured, but I wasn’t especially bummed out about it.
    “I want you to know that I didn’t lure Greg here to kill him,” Carlton insisted. “It was completely a spur-of-the-moment decision.”
    “Uh, I know. We came unannounced. You were upset about it.”
    “Right. Good. That confirms my story, then.”
    “What are those faces?”
    “Travelers. Well, one traveler. I don’t completely understand the logistics. Are you going to push me down the stairs?”
    “No,” I said.
    “You sure? Because your arm went up a little.”
    “Why would I do that?”
    “The world isn’t as normal as it used to be.”
    “I’m getting that.”
    “Did Greg tell you there was a dead lion down here?”
    “No.”
    “There was.”
    “How did a dead lion get down here?”
    “It’s complicated. I’m