Free One or Two Things I Learned About Love by Dyan Sheldon

break. Especially if something funny happened. Every time my phone went, Ely said, “Geewillikers, I wonder who that could be.”
    Maggie’s mom stopped by the stand today for tomatoes. And just happened to mention that she just happened to hear that I’m seeing someone. That’s exactly what she said, with a big smile: “So, Hildy, I hear you’re seeing someone.” (Oh, those jungle drums, they just never stop, do they? Day and night. Night and day. Boomboomboomboomboom.) But I wasn’t really annoyed. I was kind of pleased to be honest. I don’t usually do things people talk about. (Except stuff like the time I threw up in the middle of the third-grade Christmas play. Which wasn’t something I did really. It was something that happened.) I joked with Ely that maybe I should take an ad out in the
Redbank Observer
, you know, in case there’s anybody in town who hasn’t heard about me and Connor. Ely said I can save my money – he’s already posted it on Facebook. (If I didn’t know he hates Facebook, I would’ve thrown a tomato at him.) He wanted to know why Connor texts me so much. Ely says it’s as if he doesn’t want me to be by myself. I said Connor just likes to keep in touch, that’s all. Ely said he likes plums but he doesn’t eat one every ten minutes.
    Broccoli Man called the stand to say that he couldn’t leave the house but he needed some things. This happens once a month or so. (I think of it as the stand’s period: annoying, inconvenient, but just the way things work.) Sometimes he can’t leave home because there are too many people outside or “the numbers are wrong”. Sometimes it’s because THEY are waiting for him or he doesn’t like the weather. I didn’t ask. There’s such a thing as too much information. So Ely gave me a ride home and we dropped off Broccoli Man’s order (12 oz string beans, 15 oz potatoes, 18 oz tomatoes, 18 oz squash, two bunches of spinach, one head of lettuce,
not iceberg, whatever you do!
). I had to go around the back and put everything through the cat flap. Then he passed out the money. You have to wonder what his neighbours think. Ely said they probably think he’s nuts.
    More trauma and drama at Casa D’Angelo. The washing machine broke
again
. (It’s as if we live on a tape loop.) My mother said it was my father’s fault because he’s too cheap to buy a new one. My father said it was working dandy as candy after he fixed it last time it broke and that he suspects outside interference. That means one of us. Escaped to the Masiado’s to help Louie with the
Anniversary Waltz
. (That’s what he’s decided to call the
Love and Lawnmowing
movie about his folks.) Personally, I think it should be called the
Anniversary Tango
. The waltz is very formal and orderly, which the Masiados aren’t. Almost every clip has them waving their arms around and yelling. (No wonder Louie feels so at home with my family, right?) So far my favourite scene is when Mr Masiado is teaching Louie’s mom to drive. She backed out of the driveway and straight into the garbage can. Even though there isn’t any sound, I swear you can hear Mr Masiado shouting.
    Louie said he heard I’m officially going out with What’s-his-name. I said it’s Connor. And it’s only semi-official. He said so are we going to meet him this week? Are you coming on Thursday? I said I’d talk to Connor and let him know. Louie said that made it sound pretty official to him.
    When I got home there was a small, purple dinosaur (a Brachiosaurus if I’m not mistaken) hanging from the kitchen light by a string. So Dad found out why the washing machine broke again.
    And three messages from Connor! Nomi wants to know why he texts me so much. I said because he’s unprecedented. She said he’s more like a haunting.

    Blue Eyeshadow Lady wanted to know who the handsome young man is that she saw me with the other night. So I got to say it out loud for the first time! “He’s my boyfriend.” Just saying