Free How to Get a (Love) Life by Rosie Blake

ten?’
    ‘Fourteen to fifteen year olds.’
    ‘Ah!’
    ‘Yeah, they can behave badly. Get up to all sorts of things …’
    ‘Like what?’
    ‘Oh, lots of things. It can be quite tiring!’
    ‘Like …’ I prompted in a teasing voice.
    ‘Just … their constant backchat,’ he said, the laughter dying on his lips. ‘They obviously think I’ve never heard the F-word before …’
    Andrew wasn’t laughing any more. He had turned an impressive shade of pink.
    My mushroom risotto wobbled precariously on my fork. ‘Oh.’
    ‘It can get a little tedious. Quite grating, really, constantly having to lecture them – don’t throw that, stop standing by the window, sit down, where’s your book, why did you leave it at home.’ He caught sight of my expression and tailed off. ‘Oh, sorry, Nicola.’
    ‘It’s fine,’ I said, waving my hand. ‘It’s clearly a bit stressful.’ I shrugged it off, not wanting to embarrass him any more. I sipped my wine. I took a spoonful of risotto. ‘Hmm …’ I said, pointing with my fork. ‘ Great risotto.’
    Andrew looked at me vacantly.
    I repeated my observation. ‘Yummy,’ I said, showing him my fork.
    He blinked and mumbled something so quietly that I had to lean forward to catch it. ‘Last week they brought in fart spray and the classroom still smells.’
    ‘Sorry?’ I said, straining to hear him.
    ‘Last week they brought in … fart spray,’ he whispered.
    I leant back. ‘Oh.’
    ‘And one boy graffitied the desk saying Mr Moore likes to wank , which is both offensive, and untrue,’ he spluttered.
    I began to feel a little uneasy.
    Andrew became increasingly impassioned. ‘I have seen the Deputy Head about some of the things they’re saying, because though they are only children, Nicola, it can be very hurtful stuff. I mean, how would you like it if you read on a toilet wall that someone thought you were a “tosser”?’ He spat out the word and accompanied it with the appropriate hand gesture.
    I choked on my mouthful. ‘Um. Well, I would … er …’
    ‘Indeed, Nicola. One time they left some deodorant on my desk. It can be very damaging to your self-confidence.’
    My heart went out to this harmless man.
    ‘They are always saying, “Do you live near a sewage works? Were you a bin man before you were a teacher, Sir?” It can make any person worry. And the trouble is that the parents just spoil them rotten. When you tell them what you think of their little darlings they accuse YOU of being a bad teacher!’ He dabbed at his brow with the napkin. ‘It’s one of the reasons my doctor has put me on the pills. And it doesn’t matter if they are children, Nicola. Abuse is abuse. It can be very wearing. Sometimes I wonder how I’m still doing the job. I mean, I’m thirty-four and I’m losing my hair.’ He clutched his temple and pulled back his hairline to show me.
    I nodded sympathetically. What had I begun?
    ‘ Mr Moore you’re such a bore is their favourite little chant,’ he spat bitterly. ‘They know that it winds me up. But we’re powerless to stop them. Bring back corporal punishment, I say.’ He banged the table with his fork so that my plate jumped. ‘These kids have to learn.’
    ‘Er, quite. Well, what about the good eggs in the class?’ I asked, desperate to try and find the silver lining. ‘You know, the kids that are just caught up in the wrong crowd?’
    He looked at me blankly. ‘The good ones?’ he repeated, as if it was a wholly original thought.
    ‘Er, yes. Surely there are a few you like?’ I gave him an encouraging smile.
    Andrew was now deep in thought, tapping the fork on his mouth so that little specks of cheese sauce stuck to his upper lip.
    ‘I don’t mind Milly,’ he said finally.
    ‘Oh good,’ I replied, relieved. Well done, Milly.
    ‘Yes, she can be a joy when she isn’t calling the rest of her classmates “little fuckers”.’
    ‘Oh.’ My eyes watered. ‘More wine?’ I asked, pouring the