Free Where Did It All Go Right? by Andrew Collins

Proust again. I had a soot fetish too. (That’s
soot
fetish.) In the days before central heating I used to love it when the man came to sweep the chimney. He was fascinating to watch, attaching all those extension poles to his brush and pushing it further and further up the flue while the living room was shrouded in sheets. It was also a major kick to go out the front with him and check that the brush had emerged from the chimney. But the real attraction was the soot. I loved the dry throat you got when the room was full of coal dust, and the feel of that fine powder on your hands. I can’t say for sure if I actually ate the stuff, but the desire was there. I never bat an eyelid when pregnant women hunger for coal.
    I can feel eyebrows being arched as I confess this. We’ve already established that getting dirty is normal and I’m just trying to make the point that the ‘civilising’ influence of age actually goes against primal impulses … but I sense that I’ve lost one or two of you.
    I didn’t go around snacking on filth. I lived in mortal fear of treading in dog’s muck – even in those wellies – and my taste for floor-dust and chimney powder was not something I shared with anyone. I knew it wasn’t the
done
thing. Spitting into your dusty hands and rubbing them together at school was an under-the-desk activity. But I will say this – when I’m digging the garden now, I like nothing better than to cast aside the spade and use my hands and feel the soil under my nails.
    You can take the boy out of the field …
    1. Intriguingly, ‘puttock’ is listed in the
Dictionary of Slang
as meaning ‘an unpleasant person’ or prostitute. Hey, we are all prostitutes.
    2. It was bigger boy Jeremy Moss who eventually taught me what ‘mastipation’ was (his word). It involved ‘white stuff’ and was beyond my ken completely. Another Jeremy – Skoyles – revealed to me in Art once that if you touched a lady’s bosoms it made your willy go big. Again, this seemed like some wild fantasy and I busied myself with my papier mâché.
    3. Not me. I never did have a paper round. I once helped David Hirst (I think) deliver some Spar leaflets door to door, a breezy task made stressful only by barking dogs jumping up at letterboxes. There was no money in it.

1973
    Selected Extracts From My Diary
    A MURKY GREEN Leeds Permanent Building Society desk diary, spiral-bound and encased in a vinyl dust-jacket. Very smart – Dad clearly got sent it at work. The Leeds Permanent crest on the front bears the motto
‘SAFE AND SOUND’.
How very apt. It contains information on all the company’s branch offices, and tells you that ‘no-one may invest more than £10,000 in the Society’, which was a lot of money in 1973. This was the first diary I completed the whole way through
.
    Monday, 1 January
    Yesterday I came to Nanny and Pappy’s house to sleep. I saw Norman Wisdom on television. Nanny has got a lovely colour television (so have I).
    Thursday, 4 January
    Today Dean (my cousin) 1 came to our house. And me and my brother watched
Land of the Giants
and
The Flintstones
on our colour television. Nanny Mabel bought me some coloured paints. 2
    Wednesday, 10 January
    Today Paul Milner brought his magic set to school and he had me as an assistant.
    Thursday, 11 January
    Today I went to Catherine Leese’s party. Cathy Knight 3 went too and loads more. I won a game but I’ve forgotten what it was.
    Sunday, 14 January
    Today me and my brother went to the park with Dad. We put our old kit on and we both played dirt collectors. 4
    Thursday, 25 January
    Nearly every day my tooth bleeds and today was one of those days so it means that soon my tooth will come out. I have had one tooth out on its own and I have had five teeth out at the dentist, that makes six altogether.
    Monday, 5 February
    Today Anita Barker came to watch the television. Mine is a colour telly and Anita hasn’t got one. We saw
Pardon My Genie
on it.
    Saturday, 10