Free The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children by Annie Smith Page A

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    Manners
    This shouldn’t take a lot of work on your part, because redneck boys and girls just naturally have good manners. It’s in their jeans.
    Usually the first word out of a redneck baby’s mouth ain’t “Mama,” it’s “Ma’am.” (Except for Rufus McKinney’s fat little boy, Elmer—his first word was “Spam.”)
    You can learn a lot about teaching a kid to be courteous by watching The Andy Griffith Show. You’ll see that little Opie is always polite and well-mannered.
    Opie never gets out of line because he wants to make his daddy, Sheriff Andy, proud of him—and because Deputy Barney always carries that dreaded one bullet with Opie’s name on it.
    The Andy Griffith Show also is a lesson in how not to raise your kids:
    â€¢ Don’t let ’em get away with throwing rocks, like Ernest T. Bass—who broke windows all over Mayberry and never once got any serious punishment for it.
    â€¢ Keep ’em away from hard liquor so they won’t end up the town drunk, like Otis.
    â€¢ And don’t let ’em change their name and become a sneaky lawyer, like Sheriff Andy did later in life.
    Raise your boys and girls with love and they’ll turn out fine.
    But if by chance one of your young’uns ever starts to become a little smarty-pants, don’t waste time putting that whippersnapper straight with a hickory switch.
    Show your young’uns that Mama and Daddy care enough about them to whup their little butts!
    Courtesy
    Manners and courtesy go hand in hand. Teach your children to hold doors open for little old ladies, pop the caps off beer bottles for gals, and courteously swerve to just barely nick jaywalkers instead of flattening them like pancakes.
    When you take the young’uns for a drive, point out that pickup truck drivers are the most courteous people on the road. Ever notice that when you’re trying to get out from a side street onto a crowded highway, it’s always a pickup man who slows down and waves you out?
    A guy in a Mercedes won’t ever do that. He’s too busy talking on his car phone while rushing to his business appointments, and slowing to let you out might cause him to be three seconds late.
    If you want to get away from blaring horns, head out into redneck country. Rednecks almost never honk their horn unless it’s to get a cow or a drunk jaywalker off the road—or just for fun, to aggravate some jerk on a car phone.
    Your kids also should be raised to believe in fair play, something that’s ingrained in every redneck.
    If you don’t believe it, trying bullying some little guy in a redneck bar. You’ll find yourself tackled by six good ol’ boys and you’ll wake up outside in the gutter—with your teeth still inside the bar, talking to your missing ear.
    An experience like this can scar you for life. Luckily people in Mayhew County who’ve lost ears in bar fights and fingers in gun accidents can get help by joining a local support group, Parents without Parts.

X Marks the Pot
    Ever wonder why rednecks keep an old commode in their front yard? It’s so their kids, playing outside at night, won’t have to keep running inside to pee.
    This outside pot’s also a courtesy for neighbors who can stop to relieve themselves while reeling home from the bar late at night.
    But most redneck yards are just high weeds. To make the commode easier to find, put a five-foot stick beside it.
    You might also want to mark the old couches and cars in your yard so kids won’t trip over them.
    While you’re at it, stick a couple of posts on either side of your driveway—which in most redneck neighborhoods is just two tire tracks through the weeds.
    Redneck Home Furnishings
    Sooner or later your daughters will be living in a home of their own (hopefully, not a home for unwed mothers), and they’ve got to learn how to