Free The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children by Annie Smith Page B

decorate the inside as well as the yard.
    They might choose to furnish their house like yours, but then again they might want the place to look respectable.
    Redneck home decor might not always be classy, but it’s definitely in a class of its own. Instead of hiring a decorator, just have your daughter follow our suggestions:
    â€¢ Bowling trophies should always be placed in your home’s front windows, not in the shower or on top of the commode. Few sights are as awesome as driving down a redneck street and seeing all the bowling trophies gleaming in the sun.
    â€¢ Hang a pair of genuine longhorn steer horns on the wall near the front door. Visitors can flip their cowboy hats onto the horns as they come inside. Don’t let anybody throw his hat on a table—this will bring you bad luck.
    â€¢ Above your couch, place a big framed picture of a soaring bald eagle and a framed collection of Indian arrowheads. A black velvet painting of John Wayne would really set off your wall decor.
    â€¢ Before visitors come over, check the couch to make sure no springs are sticking out. If you find one showing, push it back down and cover the hole with two layers of duck tape.
    â€¢ The best decoration for your coffee table is a bronze Western sculpture by Frederic Remington—who was the world’s greatest artist except for Norman Rock-well.
    Rufus McKinney has a beautiful Remington sculpture with a brass plate that says End of the Trail. It shows a weary Indian on a weary horse, with his spear pointed down to the ground.
    We don’t know if the sculpture is authentic or not, because the Indian is wearing a Washington Redskins jacket and the artist’s signature reads Freddie Remmington. But it sure is a conversation piece.
    â€¢ Keep your ironing board set up in the kitchen. It can be used as an extra table when too many relatives drop over for supper.
    â€¢ Keep a spare roll of toilet paper under a pink knit cover on the commode tank top. You don’t want people dirtying up your hand towels in the worst way.
    â€¢ Nail some tin sheets on the roof over your bedroom. Rain beating on a tin roof is the coziest sound in the world and you’ll sleep like a baby.
    â€¢ Put a bug zapper in every room. Especially the bath-room.

    Redneck’s bunkbed

Young’uns Gotta Work
    Don’t give your kids allowances. That’s just childhood welfare!
    You’ve got to slave long hours for your money—make your young’uns do the same.
    Allowances only teach kids they can get somethin’ for nothin’. They’ll grow up expecting a handout from the family or the government and won’t be worth a warm bucket of spit.
    If they want a couple bucks for themselves, put ’em to work around the house. Or tell them to walk down the street asking neighbors if they need something done.
    Neighbors always can use wild blackberries—which are delicious when covered with sugar and milk. In early summer, put your kids to work picking blackberries to sell around the neighborhood.
    Tell them to wait until the berries turn from green to red to black before they start picking. Only Yankee tourists will buy red berries—they’re easily convinced that they’re getting “mountain strawberries.”
    The Man with the Goal ’n’ Gun
    Kids have to have goals in life, or they’re going to just drift along jobless and wind up eating out of Dumpsters.
    Maybe that’s an okay life for a single man or woman, but not when you’re married. It’s downright embarrassing for a friend to catch you, your wife, and kids all chowing down on day-old Grand Slams behind Denny’s.
    You might try to tell the friend you’re just having a family picnic and the park was too crowded, but the odds are only about fifty-fifty that he’ll believe you.
    That’s why chores are so important to a kid. They teach your young’uns that if they want to have all the good