Free A Year in Fife Park by Quinn Wilde

‘Well, basically you can choose how you behave, but not how you feel, right?’
    ‘Sometimes you can choose how you feel.’
    ‘Yeah, but basically, you like some things, you don’t like others, you’re good at some things, bad at others, and so on.’
    ‘Whatever.’
    ‘Well, I think that if you pretend to feel a certain way for long enough, it can start to be how you actually feel, not just what you pretend.’
    ‘So if you feel sad, but you pretend to feel happy, then you’ll feel happy eventually?’
    ‘No, it’s more like... Well, OK, maybe. That’s an OK example I guess.’
    ‘Yeah, I don’t think so. I think that if you bottle things up and pretend they’re different, it can make you sick inside.’
    ‘Well, something else then. Little things.  Just like, your body language can tell your mind how to feel, almost as much as the other way round, so you just act like something, and it can happen. If you pretend not to be nervous, sometimes it will go away. Or if you pretend to like beer for long enough, you might actually start to like it.’
    ‘What if you feel tired?’
    ‘I don’t know, maybe you can ignore it. You might get a second wind, or something. I don’t think it’s the same sort of thing.’
    ‘But eventually you’ll fall asleep or die, or whatever.’
    ‘What I’m saying is that some things, like the way you react to things, might just be something you can train yourself to react differently. So if you’re always panicking, you can just pretend to be calm, and it might work.’
    ‘Except, if you’re panicking, you won’t remember to do anything you decided to do. That’s what panic is.’
    ‘Well, I’m talking about if you’re just not confident. You could just pretend to be confident. You could just act all laid-back, and not caring, and relaxed, and maybe eventually you’ll just feel that way. It sounds calm, and like a pretty cool way to live.’
    ‘Wow,’ Darcy said, bored. I’m not sure that I was finished, but she obviously was.
    ‘Yeah, well. That’s the plan.’
    ‘You know it makes no sense,’ she said. ‘Not really.’
    ‘I’ve been told as much,’ I said. ‘And you sounded just like him.’
    ‘Fuck off.’
    ‘I think it’s a great plan,’ I said. ‘It all fits together.’
    ‘Are you just pretending to be Frank?’ Darcy asked.
    ‘No,’ I lied. ‘But there’s more to it, anyway.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘Cause Frank doesn’t want anything, and I do.’
    ‘Well, I just think you just need to grow up,’ she told me, sadly.
    ‘Sorry?’
    ‘I don’t mean that in a harsh way. I just think you need to grow up, and it will happen by itself.’
    ‘Well, that’s good you don’t mean it in a harsh way,’ I said. ‘Because it sounded like a bitch-slap.’
    ‘You know, I think of girlfriends my age as women,’ she said, abstractly. ‘But all the boys are still boys.’
    ‘That’s sexist as fuck,’ I said.
    ‘It’s just what I think. Boys mature later.’
    ‘Not always.’
    ‘Well, do you feel like a man?’ she said.
    ‘It’s not for you to say.’
    ‘That’s why I’m asking you.’
    ‘It’s not for me to say, either.’
    ‘Oh, convenient. So who?’
    ‘Well, when it’s true it’s just obvious. Nobody has to make a fucking decision on it.’ 
    ‘Well, there’s your answer.’
    There was a tang of sulk in the air that probably didn’t help my case.
    ‘Fine, but that doesn’t automatically make you a woman.’
    ‘Oh come on , Quinn,’ she said, leaning over and slurring.
    I turned away.
    ‘Alright, look,’ she said, conciliatorily. ‘Let’s go out there and get you some Gin and Tonic.’
    ‘Right now? Seriously?’
    ’Yeah, it’ll be fucking hilarious. We’ll just pretend it’s an ordinary night out, and go get some drinks in down at the Vic,’ she said.  ‘Just imagine what they’ll think when we waltz in there together, like nothing happened.’
    ‘Yeah, it’s the wine talking,’ I said.
    ‘Doesn’t make