Free Shake Down the Stars by Renee Swindle Page A

force a halfhearted smile. “You’re not, Selwyn. This is it.”
    â€œKil,” he says, looking genuinely surprised, “come on; you don’t mean that.”
    â€œI thought you understood. I thought we were just hanging out for the night.”
    â€œOkay. Granted, the way we met was kind of strange, but this has turned into more. Think about it, Kil. All we’ve been through? We at least have to see each other again.”
    â€œI don’t think so. Look at me. I’m not a together person. I had you take me to a cemetery, for goodness’ sake. I’m fucked-up.”
    â€œSo am I. Who isn’t?”
    I sigh. “Selwyn.”
    â€œOkay. That’s fine. I get it. You’re right. We don’t have to see each other again right away, but this can’t be good-bye. We get along. Might be nice to be friends at least. Keep in touch?”
    â€œI’m sorry, but I’m not interested. In friendship or anything else.” I reach for the door. By now, every nerve and cell in my body is screaming for a shot of scotch or three or four and a nice soft bed. “There’s no point in dragging anything out, Selwyn. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me tonight. I’ll never forget it.”
    â€œNot even friendship, Kil? I needed tonight just as much as you did. Life doesn’t give nights like this all too often.”
    I don’t want to get sucked into his sad story, frankly, and don’t bother asking what he means about needing tonight as much as I did. As nice as he’s been, I’ve learned it’s best—easier all around—to keep my distance from people. I’m damaged goods, as they used to say. I touch his hand. “I’m sorry, Selwyn. I’m just not looking to make new friends.”
    He eases back in his seat and stares at the roof of the car. I imagine he’s thinking of what his mother would tell him to do right about now, something along the lines of
Never pressure a woman, baby. Pressure is like steam under the lid of an iron pot; sooner or later one of you will explode.
    After a moment he says, “Fine. If you’re not interested, you’re not interested. You know how to find me if you ever change your mind, though, right?”
    â€œYes,” I tease. “Livermore. You work for the mayor.”
    â€œThat’s right. If you ever change your mind, I’d love to see you again. Hell, I’d be willing to have my heart broken ten times over by a woman like you.”
    I feel my entire body softening. “Like me?”
    â€œYou are who you are, Kilowatt. No pretenses. No games. I like that; that’s hard to find in a person. I’d trust you over a million nuns.”
    I laugh. “I guess that’s a compliment.”
    â€œAre you going to be all right?”
    I gather he means in a bigger sense. “Probably not.”
    â€œThere it is,” he says, shaking his head. “Damn. That smile, that smile.” I hadn’t realized I was smiling, but I am. “You know, Kil, we probably never would’ve worked out anyway. That smile would’ve done me in every time.”
    I start to reach for his hand, but he’s managed to find a modicum of determination by now and turns the key in the ignition. “I’ll wait here until you’re inside.” His eyes remain fixed on the road as if he’s already driving away.
    I get out of the car and walk to the front door. I use my key to open it and step inside. When I look back, he shifts the car into gear, leaving me with nothing to do but watch him drive away.

four
    I follow the sound of the TV down the long hallway, past the bathroom and kitchen. I find Spence sitting on the couch, shrouded in darkness except for a beam of light shooting from his new TV. He wears a pair of cords and his favorite Harlem Skydivers T-shirt. The light illuminates his face and dome-shaped Afro so that he appears