Free Bear v. Shark by Chris Bachelder

the speed is 74 miles per hour, the four-wheel drive is off (but ready to be on), the air conditioner is on (but ready, whenever called upon, to be off).
    That orange light there means the tires are unlikely to explode.
    This dashboard knows: twenty-four grains to a pennyweight, three scruples to a dram, twenty quires to a ream. A hogshead is two barrels and a township is thirty-six square miles, you got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on the dash.
    The phone, the map, the CD player, the cruise control — like the very best waiters or retail store employees, these devices do not hassle or cloy, but are immediately available if their services are required.
    Mrs. Norman says, “We are going to witness history this weekend.”
    Mr. Norman feels loose in the limbs. He believes that the dashboard is a sage and beneficent despot. Sure, there are sacrifices, but doesn’t one always have to give up a little freedom to achieve stability and happiness?
    Mr. Norman, his speech a bit slurred, says, “History.”
    Mrs. Norman says, “And it’s something we’ll all share. It’s something we can pass on to our children and grandchildren.”
    Matthew says, “It’s not like it won’t be out on DVD in a month.”
    The dashboard says the windshield wiper fluid is almost precisely at the Manufacturer’s Recommended Level.

42
The Most Recent Polls
The majority (52 percent) of Americans think that the shark will win.
While the vast majority (88 percent) of Americans know what event is taking place on August 18 in Las Vegas, just 34 percent know what country we’re currently at war with.
Nearly two thirds of all Dutch two-year-olds can recognize a picture of a bear and a shark.
Almost 70 percent of Americans agree that the bear is more fun and likable than the shark.
HardCorp has an overall approval rating of 71 percent, up from an all-time low of 18 percent two years ago.
Sixty percent of Americans have bought at least one box of Sea-n-Lea Meat Snacks during the last six months.
Almost half (46 percent) of Americans think that a shark is a mammal.
Thirty-eight percent of Americans included the bear and/or the shark in their list of Five Most Important People of the Decade.
Half of all Americans plan to watch the fight on PayView.
Two percent of Americans have been to a cockfight.
Of the 45 percent of Americans who believe in evolution, 58 percent believe that humans are direct descendants of bears.
Asked what they would do if they ran into a bear or a shark, 36 percent of Americans said they would kill it, 33 percent said they would capture it, 22 percent said they would feed it, 8 percent said they would leave it alone or run away, and 1 percent said they would try to have sex with it.
Sixty-eight percent of Americans do not know that both bears and sharks are on the Endangered Species list.
Fourteen percent of Americans agree that good posture is pretty much the key to healthy living.

43
An Essay That Did Not Win
    BEAR V. SHARK:
THE CLASSIC GAME OF STRATEGY
AND ENTERTAINMENT
    (by C. H. Bachelder)
    For 280 million or more players
    Ages 0 to adult
    Equipment: Major media, Internet, domed stadium, corporate sponsorship, First Amendment, patriotism, military bases, unemployment, sweatshops, complacent and politically impotent populace, homicide, crack cocaine, fashion, standardized tests
    Setup: Give each player a Television, a second mortgage, a mind-numbing job, a staggering Visa debt, and a set of fast food action figures
    Gameplay: Each player watches Television
    Object: To perform meaningful work and forge rewarding connections with other human beings
    Winning: Ha!

44
A Palpable Feeling
    Are there personalized license plates on the Vegas-bound interstate? License plates with cryptic and clever little declarations of fealty? Man, like you wouldn’t believe. There is a shorthand that you pick up after a while. For instance, BR = Bear. SHRK = Shark. LUV = Love. SUX = Sucks. You get the idea.
    Mr. Norman says,