Free The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 3 by P. G. Wodehouse Page B

house.’
    Monica caught Bill’s eye.
    ‘It’s in the bag, Bill,’ she whispered.
    ‘Eh?’ said Rory in a loud, hearty voice. ‘What’s in the bag?’
    ‘Oh, shut up.’
    ‘But what
is
in the … Ouch!’ He rubbed a well-kicked ankle. ‘Oh, ah, yes, of course. Yes, I see what you mean.’
    Mrs Spottsworth passed a hand across her brow. She appeared to be in a sort of mediumistic trance.
    ‘I seem to remember a chapel. There is a chapel here?’
    ‘Ruined,’ said Monica.
    ‘You don’t need to tell her that, old girl,’ said Rory.
    ‘I knew it. And there’s a Long Gallery.’
    ‘That’s right,’ said Monica. ‘A duel was fought in it in the eighteenth century. You can still see the bullet holes in the walls.’
    ‘And dark stains on the floor, no doubt. This place must be full of ghosts.’
    This, felt Monica, was an idea to be discouraged at the outset.
    ‘Oh, no, don’t worry,’ she said heartily. ‘Nothing like that in Rowcester Abbey,’ and was surprised to observe that her guest was gazing at her with large, woebegone eyes like a child informed that the evening meal will not be topped off with ice cream.
    ‘But I want ghosts,’ said Mrs Spottsworth. ‘I must have ghosts. Don’t tell me there aren’t
any
?’
    Rory was his usual helpful self.
    ‘There’s what we call the haunted lavatory on the ground floor,’ he said. ‘Every now and then, when there’s nobody near it, the toilet will suddenly flush, and when a death is expected in the family, it justs keeps going and going. But we don’t know if it’s a spectre or just a defect in the plumbing.’
    ‘Probably a poltergeist,’ said Mrs Spottsworth, seeming a little disappointed. ‘But are there no visual manifestations?’
    ‘I don’t think so.’
    ‘Don’t be silly, Rory,’ said Monica. ‘Lady Agatha.’
    Mrs Spottsworth was intrigued.
    ‘Who was Lady Agatha?’
    ‘The wife of Sir Caradoc the Crusader. She has been seen several times in the ruined chapel.’
    ‘Fascinating, fascinating,’ said Mrs Spottsworth. ‘And now let me take you to the Long Gallery. Don’t tell me where it is. Let me see if I can’t find it for myself.’
    She closed her eyes, pressed her fingertips to her temples, paused for a moment, opened her eyes and started off. As she reached the door, Jeeves appeared.
    ‘Pardon me, m’lord.’
    ‘Yes, Jeeves?’
    ‘With reference to Mrs Spottsworth’s dog, m’lord, I would appreciate instructions as to meal hours and diet.’
    ‘Pomona is very catholic in her tastes,’ said Mrs Spottsworth. ‘She usually dines at five, but she is not at all fussy.’
    ‘Thank you, madam.’
    ‘And now I must concentrate. This is a test.’ Mrs Spottsworth applied her fingertips to her temple once more. ‘Follow, please, Monica. You, too, Billiken. I am going to take you straight to the Long Gallery.’
    The procession passed through the door, and Rory, having scrutinized it in his slow, thorough way, turned to Jeeves with a shrug of the shoulders.
    ‘Potty, what?’
    ‘The lady does appear to diverge somewhat from the generally accepted norm, Sir Roderick.’
    ‘She’s as crazy as a bed bug. I’ll tell you something, Jeeves. That sort of thing wouldn’t be tolerated at Harrige’s.’
    ‘No, sir?’
    ‘Not for a moment. If this Mrs Dogsbody, or whatever her name is, came into – say the Cakes, Biscuits and General Confectionery and started acting that way, the store detectives would have her by the seat of the trousers and be giving her the old heave-ho before the first gibber had proceeded from her lips.’
    ‘Indeed, Sir Roderick?’
    ‘I’m telling you, Jeeves. I had an experience of that sort myself shortly after I joined. I was at my post one morning – I was in the Jugs, Bottles and Picnic Supplies at the time – and a woman came in. Well dressed, refined aspect, nothing noticeable about her at all except that she was wearing a fireman’s helmet – I started giving her courteous