Free 50 Reasons to Say Goodbye by Nick Alexander

still makes my chest vibrate. His easy open manner still strikes me as infinitely loveable.
    â€œI know what you mean,” I say. But the moment that I say it, it has happened again. It is suddenly as if we have been apart for twenty-four hours instead of four years and I am in love with him as I was every other time I ever saw him. My heart swells and feels as though it could burst with the joy of being with him, being here, being alive. The view of Los Angeles is suddenly majestic and beautiful and my eyes are watering.
    Dirk looks at me, concern in his eyes. “Hey Mark, I didn’t mean … I mean, I wouldn’t want you to think …” he says.
    And so with the love comes the pain. The pain of wondering if he has ever loved me. Wondering if it’s possible that someone I have always known so clearly that I love, can really feel nothing for me at all. Wondering if there will ever be anyone else in the entire world that I will feel so easily, happily comfortable around.
    I’m here for this and this alone.
“The moment must not pass,”
I think. “Dirk, can I ask you something?” I say.
    He nods, he laughs. “Sure.”
    â€œSomething personal, something difficult?”
    â€œSure,” he repeats.
    â€œThanks, it’s important to me, no matter the answer.”
    â€œSo?” He raises an eyebrow at me.
    â€œWell, just out of interest, say,
historical
interest … Did you
ever
love me?” I ask him. I am pleased with my voice. It sounds almost relaxed, disinterested, easy-come, easy-go.
    Dirk blows through his lips. He nods, staring into the distance. “I guess I did,” he says. “In a way.”
    I frown; I stare straight ahead. “What way?” I ask.
    He shrugs again.
    â€œTry,” I say. “It’s important for me to know.”
    He sucks air through his teeth. It sounds as though he’s thinking about a technical problem.
    â€œI suppose in a kind of sacred way, a religious way,” he says.
    I frown and stop breathing. I wait.
    â€œAs a fellow human being,” he says. “As someone I … liked, someone I … cared about.”
    He nods to himself, lost in memories and apparently happy with his explanation. I breathe out, nod very slightly. My eyes are tearing and my nose is starting to run.
    â€œAnd as a friend,” he says. “I would have liked us to be closer, to spend more time together …”
    I nod. I swallow. “Me too,” I say. My stomach feels knotted.
    â€œSo why …” I search for words. “Why weren’t we? Closer I mean?”
    Dirk swallows and glances behind him. He changes his posture against the railings; his shoulder no longer touches mine. “You were in love with me!” he says. “It was different for you. I tried to be clear, maybe I wasn’t. It’s not always easy.”
    I closed my eyes. “Clear about what?” I say.
    â€œWell, that I’ve never, you know, seen you in that way.”
    I nod.
    Dirk continues, “I never had, you know, the desire to … well, to sleep with you I suppose.”
    I nod again.
    â€œI mean I could just
never
…”
    I interrupt him. “OK, OK! I think I got it,” I say. My voice sounds croaky and dry.
    Dirk laughs. “Sorry,” he says.
    â€œAnd did you sleep with anyone else … during your year? I mean, I know that’s not my business, it’s just to try to understand.”
    Dirk shrugs again, he nods. “Sure, no problem, well, yeah, I did, a few …”
    â€œA few?” I repeat.
    â€œSure, maybe ten, twenty guys, during the whole year.”
    I nod. I receive this news like a slap around the face with a wet towel. I had never even imagined this. It had never even crossed my mind. I wonder who they were, wonder where he met them, wonder what they had that was so much better than me, or seeing as there’s maybe twenty of them, what I